Back For Kochanski
by garfieldodie
Summary: Post Back to Earth. Lister and company spearhead a mission to find Kochanski. Their journey takes them to GELF Space, where they find something rather sinister awaiting them...
1. Holly

**Author's Notes: **_Okay, this will be my big fic. And I really mean my BIG fic. I've had this niggling around in my head since Back to Earth aired, and while odds of Doug Naylor getting the chance to wrap up the Kochanski storyline himself are high (and I couldn't be happier with that), I wanted to tell my own version of this story._

_So, this would be a sequel to Back to Earth. Thanks for reading and leave a review if you so wish._

* * *

_NINE MONTHS LATER…_

Lister was walking up the corridor towards his and Rimmer's sleeping quarters to meet with the others.

The encounter with the Elation Squid had really invigorated them all. After being put through the false reality where they were led to believe they were characters from a Sci-Fi Comedy television series, they'd found themselves being admired by throngs of fans, people who loved and admired them, made toys out of them, released those DVD things of them… Some freak had redesigned his car to look like _Starbug_ for smeg's sake (unwisely painting over the rear window in the process).

All that adoration from the fans had really inspired them. They felt rejuvenated, as if it hadn't been so long since something interesting happened. Kryten had summed it as a mechanoid would: they'd been freshly laundered.

And following the revelation that Kochanski wasn't dead after all, Lister felt so motivated that he just had to act.

Trouble was they weren't able to really do anything without Holly.

Holly had been off-lined due to water damage when Lister left a bath running on the officer's deck for nine years. The resulting flood had not only swept the crew along the _Red Dwarf _corridors at eighty knots per hour, but it also managed to completely drench Holly's massive CPU, and the giant computer had sputtered out.

The skutters could've finished drying him out a lot sooner, but Lister and Rimmer always seemed to find jobs they deemed more important to do. Rimmer needed pictures of him to be straightened. Lister needed someone to fetch him a new tomato so he could sneeze. It was a long and grueling process all around.

Of course, again, the encounter with the Elation Squid had helped them realize how ridiculous that was. Rimmer knew that if Holly had been online, he'd have been present in the hallucination, and he could've maybe stopped the whole ugly Katerina business.

And so, Rimmer had straightened his own damn pictures and Lister had gotten his own damn tomatoes for the rest of the past nine months, allowing the skutters to work for all that time uninterrupted.

Around the end of the eighth month, Holly's CPU had finally been sufficiently dried. Now all that remained was to power him up. For the past month, they had been forced to manually restart him. It was quite the backbreaking task. It was so bad and tiring that the Cat had had to be put on a leash to keep him from slinking off from his own fair share of the work.

Four cubic miles of computer banks and networking took up at least five hundred of _Red Dwarf's _corridors. Hundreds of gigantic pistons had to be pumped to power the massive amount of power needed to get Holly going again. That, coupled with whatever backup power they could find residing in the cables, was being used to jumpstart his CPU.

An entire month had been spent with the four of them and all the skutters working round the clock, stopping only for meals and restroom breaks, they finally had gotten all the pistons pumped with enough energy to reboot Holly.

The only thing they had to do now was locate all the main screens and make sure that a little green light was blinking. They'd divided _Red Dwarf _into quarters, each of them checking underneath the screens in the Drive Room, the sleeping quarters, the kitchens and various other places.

Lister had just completed his part of the assignment and was waltzing merrily back to his quarters. He kicked the vending machine (the power was still down) to get a lager. He took it and carried on.

"_To Ganymede and Titan,_

_Yes, sir, I've been around,_

_But there ain't no place_

_In the whole of Space,_

_Like that good ol' toddlin' town…_"

The song made him grin as he walked towards the double doors of their sleeping quarters. He took a long swig from his lager and activated the doors which hissed as they separated, revealing his quarters inside.

Rimmer, the Cat and Kryten were present in the room, and all looked up at him as he entered.

"Sir?" Kryten asked hopefully.

"Boys, we are good to _go_!" Lister said, bobbing his head triumphantly on the word 'go'.

"Excellent," Rimmer said with a pleased grin.

"Alright, so now what happens?" the Cat asked eagerly.

"Now we just have to press the buttons, activate the remote link with Holly's CPU, and we will have Holly back," Kryten explained.

"Brutal," Lister said, sitting at the table. "Let's get on with it."

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten started to press the buttons on the table. Careful not to get their fingers sticky with spilt coffee, they entered all the necessary commands, and to Lister's credit, he only needed help once in awhile.

A few minutes later, the Cat noticed that the screen next to the bunks was blinking with a white dot.

For several months now, that screen had evilly been sending the same message:

_!_

_MALFUNTION_

_!_

_MAIN FRAME_

_UNABLE TO REBOOT_

The Cat felt a grin spread-eagle across his face as he watched the cruel words vanish and begin to be replaced with the sight of a slightly-off vertical hold.

"Buds, we have transmission!" he crowed happily.

"Yeee-_esss_!" Lister exulted.

After taking a moment to double-check they'd done it right, they all got up and looked at the screen eagerly, waiting.

"Come on, Hol, you can do it, baby!" Lister encouraged.

The screen continued to crackle with white interference like a rabbit-eared TV until finally a pair of eyes began to look anxiously across the screen. Then a face began to take form.

"Here he comes!" the Cat cheered.

"Nearly there, Holly!" Rimmer added.

Finally, the face finished forming.

But it was not the face they were expecting.

They had to remember that Holly, for reasons unknown to all, had aged along with the rest of them. His face had began to sag a bit, his brow furrowed a bit more, and whatever hair he had had gone white.

Now he had a great deal _more_ hair.

And it was blonde.

Holly's face was female again.

Blonde hair draped around his face, ruby-red lipstick and long eyelashes.

Everyone blinked, dumbfounded.

"Alright, groovers? What's shaking?" Holly asked, oblivious.

"Holly?" Lister asked, squinting his eyes at the screen.

"Yes, Dave?"

But Holly stopped, as if hearing her voice for the first time. She seemed to roll it around in her mouth, looking confused.

"Hang about, that's not right, is it?" she asked.

The Cat, his expression remaining a caricature of surprise and confusion, fished around in his coat pocket and pulled out his mirror. He held it up in front of Holly's screen for her to see her reflection.

"Oh blimey!" Holly exclaimed, staring at her face.

"Kryten, what's happened?" Rimmer asked, his brow furrowing.

Kryten seemed to falter for an answer before Holly spoke up.

"Oi, why do you always go to him for the answers? It's _my_ face! Ask _me_, why don't you?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes before complying. "Alright, Holly, explain to us how you've just given a new definition to the phrase 'to lose face'?"

Holly stared for a second before she finally seemed to register the question.

"Right. When the water from Lister's bath flooded my CPU, it must've accidentally lost my original display image. Now that I'm rebooted, it must've automatically reselected my old discarded face as a default."

Lister was stunned. "Hol, I am _so _sorry," he gasped. "I didn't mean to do it! We had to go take care of a problem with GELFs and we just… I had to… It just slipped my… I got thirsty, so I went for a… There was a _Whose Line _marathon, so I just… Colin and Ryan were in rare form, so I couldn't…," he struggled to finish his apology, "…sorry?"

"Sa'right, Dave," Holly said with a reassuring nod. "The old face just wasn't doing it for me anymore anyway. Besides, the nose was a bit off."

"Oh, it's good to have you back online again, Holly," Kryten beamed.

"Sorry, mate, haven't had the pleasure. You are…?"

"It's good to see you again!"

Holly just looked confused before Lister took over the conversation.

"So you're back online again. You feeling one hundred percent, Hol?"

"Never better. I'm ready to assist you in anyway I can with my IQ of 6000."

"Good," Rimmer said. "Holly, we need you to help us track a ship."

"No science questions, Arn. Don't need the pressure. However, if you'd like me to perform simpler tasks, like telling the time, then I think I can just about manage." Clearing her throat, Holly looked ahead determinedly. "Five past one." She looked pleased. "Yeah, right on. Feeling good. Yeah."

"Well, face aside, she's the same as she ever was," the Cat commented.

"Holly, we need to track down Kochanski," Lister said insistently.

"Kochanski?" Holly asked, squinting her eyes. "But she's dead. Sucked out of an airlock. Kryten said so himself."

"Oh don't bother anymore, Holly, I told him everything," Kryten said with a sigh.

"Oh…"

Lister, Rimmer and the Cat looked indignant.

"What, you told Holly too?!" Lister cried.

"And you didn't tell us?" Rimmer added, indicating himself and Cat.

"What the _hell_, man?" the Cat agreed.

Kryten's guilt chip whirred a bit in his head. "Sirs, I _had _to let Holly in on it. She runs the ship! All she had to do was check the security cameras."

Holly seemed to realize something. "Oh, _you're _Kryten," she said, finally understanding.

Rimmer stared at her for a disbelieving moment before readdressing Kryten. "You told _Holly_ and not _us_?!"

* * *

In recent years, _Starbug _had been used less and less. With less reason to leave the ship, or simply because they "hadn't been in the mood" for the past five years, they'd left the single solitary _Starbug _left behind by the resurrected crew when they abandoned ship nearly ten years previously. It had been old and beaten up and unable to do much of anything and, as such, was of little use to the crew.

It had been repaired by the _Dwarfers _shortly afterwards, and they'd had a few adventures in the early years, but they soon grew weary of their adventures and began to settle into what Lister aptly termed as a "hiatus".

But that was over.

It was time to pull _Starbug _out of the metaphysical mothballs.

Kryten had taken a feather duster to the green craft and began to dust it.

No, that sounds like he's just adding dust _to _it, when in actuality he was removing the dust _from _it by taking the duster and making nice gentle sweeping motions across the surface.

Well, whatever he was doing, the others thought he was being ridiculous, but they allowed him to go about his business anyway. If it made him happy, so be it.

Lister left him to it as he went back to the Sleeping Quarters to speak with Holly, who had been given a day to get herself backing in action. He entered through the doors, crushing and tossing aside his latest can of lager.

"Hol?" he asked, looking over at the screen.

Holly's head was rebounding about the screen, bouncing off the sides.

"Dave, lookit! I'm a screensaver!" she cheered.

Lister watched, bemused, before he grinned wryly. "Yeah, Hol, impressive. About as good as the time you simulated two moving sticks on either side of the screen and pretended to be _Pong_."

"Whaddya want, Dave?"

"We need to discuss the plan."

"Right. I'll tell you my ideas."

Lister stared. "Wait, you… You? You've got a plan?"

"What's so off about that?"

"Hol, you mistook five specks of grit on the scanner scope for five black holes."

"So? Could've happened to anyone!"

"Could not! Who else could that happen to?"

"Well, while you blokes were trapped on _Starbug_, Kryten told me about your sneeze!"

"What sneeze?"

"The sneeze that congealed on the radar screen."

Lister suddenly looked rather embarrassed and looked away. "Okay, enough about that, Hol."

"What did you lot mistake _that _for, Dave?"

"I don't want to hear this."

"Was it an alien invasion fleet, Dave?"

"Stop it, Holly. We were out of Kleenex©!"

"I'm sure you were, Dave. You want to listen to my plans now?"

"Yeah, sure…," Lister said wearily.

"Right, Kochanski took a _Blue Midget_, right?"

"Right…"

"_Blue Midget _is a JMC ship, right?"

"Right…"

"JMC ships have special black boxes, right?"

"Right…"

"And all black boxes have to stay with the ship, right?"

Lister sighed, exasperated. "Holly, you are about as comprehensible as Google's logo when they celebrate special events. What's your plan?!"

"The black box gives off a traceable signal. We can follow Kochanski's signal."

Lister's eyes lit up. "Brilliant, Holly!"

"Right! I'll just get _Red Dwarf _turned around and we'll be off."

Lister's face sagged slightly. "Turned around…?" he repeated.

"Yeah, I'll just find a planet, go into orbit and get a nice 180 degree slingshot in the right direction. We should be ready by tomorrow."

Lister faltered slightly. "Erm, Hol, that's great and everything, but we…"

"Yes?"

Suddenly, the doors slid open again and Rimmer strode purposely in.

"Right, Kryten's nearly done with _Starbug_'s accommodations. Ready to go yet?" he asked.

Lister cringed and covered his face.

"What's wrong?" Rimmer asked.

Holly was looking _very _put-out when Lister found the courage to look up.

"You're going in _Starbug_?!" she squeaked indignantly.

"We'd cover more ground that way," Lister said insistently.

"Aaaaannd I think I'll go now," Rimmer said quickly, realizing he'd made a mistake and headed for the hatchway.

The doors slid shut, keeping him from leaving.

"You mean I can't come?" Holly complained.

"It's not that, Hol," Lister exclaimed. "It's just _Red Dwarf_'s about as quick-paced as a snail taking sleeping pills! We can cover more ground with _Starbug_."

"But that's not fair!"

"It's not like we're abandoning you," Rimmer protested. "We'd come straight back when we were finished."

"Who knows how long that could take? It took you lot well over two hundred years to come back the _last time_!"

"Oh not this again," Lister sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Holly, you can't blame what happened at the ocean world on us. Kryten's nanobots _rebelled_. How were _we _supposed to know they had turned _Red Dwarf _into a planet and dropped you there on it?"

"What, it didn't strike you as odd that a gigantic planet had just appeared in the sky out of nowhere?"

"_Moving on a step_, Holly, it only makes sense to take _Starbug_. It'll take too long go into orbit around a planet and start heading back the way we came."

"Aw, but I want to come," Holly complained, pouting.

"Hol, we'll come back, don't worry," Lister said soothingly.

"_Please_?"

"Hol…"

"_Pwease_?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and sticking out her lower lip.

Lister and Rimmer stared at her, bewildered.

"Hol…? Are you…_pouting_?" Lister asked slowly, almost amused.

"Maybe. Is it working?"

"No!"

Holly tilted her head, batter her eyelashes, put out her lower lip and sniffled slightly.

"_Pwetty pweeeeeease_?" she cooed.

Lister felt as though his eyes were trying to escape, so he squinted them back in. He felt his mouth tighten in disgust as he found himself unable to look away.

"Lister, think dirt," Rimmer warned. "Think about death. Think about the cancellation of _My Name is Earl_."

Lister struggled. He really did. He fought tooth and nail. He thought about how cruel it was to end a funny and innovative show on a cliffhanger so unfairly when it clearly could've gone for at least one more year. And even that didn't help him.

"I can't help it, man, I'm wimping out. Look at that face!"

"Oh no! I refuse!" Rimmer said, turning away from Holly's screen.

Suddenly, Holly vanished from the screen and seemed to appear out of thin air, her disembodied head hung in the air like a piñata in front of Rimmer's face.

"Please?"

"ACK!" Rimmer squawked, jumping back in terror.

"Hol, how long have you been able to do that?" Lister asked.

"For always. _Pwease, Arnie_?"

"Oh, so it's 'Arnie' now, is it? No, Holly!"

Rimmer tried to get away from Holly by walking around the room, but Holly simply floated around, following after him like a _Jetsons _hovercraft.

"Holly, stop it!"

"But I wanna come!"

"I've made up my mind. I will not be moved!"

"_Pwetty pwease with sugar on top_?"

"STOP IT, HOLLY!!" And Rimmer plomped himself down in his chair, folded his arms and squeezed his eyes shut tight, hoping his own defenses would hold.

Unfortunately, his internal walls came a-tumblin' down when he felt Holly's cheek nuzzling with his own like an affectionate / hungry cat.

"…_pwease, Arnie_?" she cooed in a quiet voice.

Rimmer, feeling his stomach churning and his heart quickening its pace, finally felt himself crumpling and dying inside.

"…_fine_," he hissed.

He could've sworn he felt a slight brushing of lips on his cheek before he opened his eyes again, but he told himself he'd imagined it. He was relieved to see Holly back on her screen.

"Right, there's a small moon just ahead with a strong enough gravitational pull. I'll get us all set, alright?"

"Yes, yes, get on with it," Rimmer grumbled.

Holly grinned, satisfied, and vanished.

Rimmer sat in his chair like a child for a moment before he realized Lister was still in the room. The smug git was seated on his bunk with the most amused grin in the entire known and unknown universe. You could've reclined on that grin and taken a nap, it was that big.

"Say one word, Lister, and you're dead," Rimmer said through his tightened lips, watching through narrow eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about, man," Lister said, bringing a lager to his lips to hide his grin, doing so but doing it rather poorly.

"You'd better _not_."

Still flustered, Rimmer got up and straightened his uniform. "Right, I suppose we'd better let Cat and Kryten know of the change in plans."

"Right. 'Course. You bet," Lister said, clambering to his feet.

The doors unlocked and opened automatically. Rimmer passed through the hatchway first, followed by Lister.

"_Loooooove_…_ Exciting and neeeeeewwww_…"

"Smeg off, Lister!"

"_Come aboooaaaaaard_… _We're expecting yoooouuuuuu_…"

"You've just butchered a classic! I hope you're happy!"

* * *

_Yup. Holly's female again. I have a feeling that if Holly is ever brought back, it shall be in this form. Norman Lovett is kind of being a prick right now, and I like Hattie Hayridge more as a person._

_So, okay, review and ad nauseum._


	2. Thinking

Fortunately for all concerned, Kryten was able to come up with a reasonable plan: they would remain in _Red Dwarf _while the signal was still weak, but as soon as it picked up and grew stronger, they'd get in _Starbug _and investigate.

Lister was still worried. That would mean that they would have to travel back at least nine months and then some. He had thought Kochanski had been dead for over a year. If she _was _still alive, she'd probably think he'd given up on her by now.

But he was determined. He was going to get her back. Her face had been like a beacon guiding him along through the universe. That faint glimmer of hope that one day he'd get her back.

Looking back, he could tell that perhaps he'd gone a little bit mad. He was surprised by how polite the others had been. Not even Rimmer had been rude enough to remind him that his Kochanski had been dead for eons and had dumped him for a catering officer. Lister had spent several nights talking about how he was going to win her back, and if he remembered those drunken nights clearly enough, he could see Rimmer simply smiling and nodding his head benignly.

Lister looked back over his time with Kochanski those last few years. She'd stumbled into the wrong dimension of reality and had pretty much bitched and hollered for the first year. Lister had tried to smile and be polite. I mean, could he blame her? It wasn't necessarily his fault she was trapped, but all the same…

Kryten had at first been like a hen-clucking mother, complaining about her all the time, but it was soon revealed to have been the work of his undiscovered Nega-Drive. The aftereffects of said drive last only a couple of weeks afterwards, and once they had _Red Dwarf _back, he was far friendlier with her.

Lister had hoped she was settling in nicely at last. In their time in the Tank, she was soon getting along well with everyone. Even the Nano-Rimmer who'd been brought back with the rest of the crew seemed to like her. When they took over _Red Dwarf_ after the crew had abandoned ship, they'd had a party to celebrate, and Kochanski had even taken one Rimmer's chocolate cigars and danced in a conga line.

But as less and less began to happen around the ship, Lister noticed her becoming distant from him. For a long while, they'd gotten along, but soon, she seemed to hanging out with Kryten and Rimmer more and more.

He remembered the funeral. He remembered how hard it had been on everyone. He remembered standing at the podium before the others, wearing black, trying to keep it together and for the most part succeeding. He remembered how they'd dressed up her old teddy bear, Boo Boo, in a small black suit for the sad occasion. He remembered looking out over his fellow crewmates, who all sat in a row on the cold folding chairs. Kryten had eyes full of remorse and regret, and he seemed to be hiding something. Cat was trying to look stoic and strong, but anyone could that the poor moggy was falling apart inside. Even Rimmer, who tried to look uneffected, was trying hard to blink back his tears.

Lister cursed himself for not seeing the signs. She was growing depressed by his lack of enthusiasm. He'd always had a love for adventures. Now he was just sitting there, getting old and fat, thinking he was alone in the universe.

Well, not anymore.

He was going to prove her wrong.

He was going to win her back, he was going to be amazing, and he was going to sweep her off her feet.

He'd asked Kryten if there was any chance of finding a horse for him to ride, but he'd just stared at him before telling him he probably needed some sleep.

Lister was thinking all this as he lay in his bunk, getting ready for sleep. He had finished off his final lager and settled in for his nightly slumber, hoping to sleep through Holly's slingshot.

Rimmer entered the room, having switched to soft-light like he did every night. His green-and-red pajamas were still somehow reflective in the light. He quietly slunk over towards the lower bunk and settled into it for the night.

"Lights," he said.

The voice-activated lights dimmed, and soon only the fluorescent lights in their respective bunks were lighting the room.

"'Night, Listy," Rimmer murmured, already dropping off.

"G'night, Rimmer," Lister replied, snuggling under his blanket.

They lay in silence for a moment.

"…Rimmer?"

"…Hmm?"

"Do you think Kriss is alright?"

"…Of course, she is."

Rimmer, to be perfectly honest, didn't know for certain. It had never really crossed his mind. But he learnt a long time ago that lying to protect someone's feelings was one of the simplest (and usually least painful) ways of being noble. Plus, it was easier in the long run.

"Do you think she'll take me back?"

"…Of course, she will…"

"Do you think…?"

"…What?"

"Do you think she…could _love _me?"

Rimmer didn't answer right away.

Lister didn't know it, but Rimmer was fighting an internal battle with his nobility and his snideness.

His snideness wanted to say, "What, a man like you? Oh sure. She's probably always dreamed of a smelly slobby musician to take her away from her rich and privileged life!"

But alas, his nobility won the duel and he said, "I'm sure she will."

There, he'd said it.

Like a chump, he'd gone and said it.

But he heard Lister sigh contentedly from above.

"Cheers, man," and he was asleep.

Rimmer sighed to himself and turned over.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

By morning, all of _Red Dwarf _had been turned around and was heading back the way it came.

The Cat was sitting in the Drive Room waiting for the others with Holly.

"So elaborate, Blondie," the Cat was saying as he completed his breakfast. "How's this plan of yours gonna work exactly?"

"Simple," Holly replied, secretly loving talking about her grand plans. "We just follow the signal being given off by the black box on _Blue Midget _and bingo-jingo, we find Kochanski."

"But it's been almost three years! How do we know she's even alive still?"

"We don't. But Dave wants to find her. He wants closure."

The Cat sighed to himself and handed off his dirty dishes to a passing skutter. "Man, he's got it rough. When a woman completely dominates your life and she ain't even here… I tell you, these humans are so emotionally complex, I don't know why I bother with them."

"And I suppose with you it's easier?"

"Hell, yeah! When you're a cat, all you gotta do is look good, talk right and a male and female can get along great!"

"I imagine being in heat adds to the fun."

The Cat's eyes widened slightly before he looked away awkwardly.

"Er, where're the monkeys at? We starting this thing today or what?"

"They're on their way up," Holly said with a grin.

Almost instantly, Lister, Rimmer and Kryten entered the Drive Room.

"Right, you ready to go, Cat?" Lister asked.

"I'm showered, fed, preened, waxed and buffed," the Cat said proudly, doing a small glide across the room. "I'm ready whenever you buds are!"

"Right, Hol how's the signal?"

"We've only just started, Dave. It'll take some time."

"How long do you reckon?"

"Well, sir, according to my calculations, about the same amount of time it takes an average human male to figure out what he's wearing with his eyes closed," said Kryten.

Lister stole a quick look at his leather jacket, shirt, badges pants and boots and then quickly closed his eyes. "Okay, erm…," he started to say, but then he hesitated and opened one eye to steal another peek.

"Oh for pity's sake," Rimmer muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"I'm trying to speed _Red Dwarf _up a bit, chaps, but it's going to be at least twelve hours before we clear this sector of the galaxy."

"So we've got twelve hours to kill before something _maybe _happens?" Cat asked.

"Yep."

"What takes twelve hours?" asked Lister.

"We could watch an episode of the _Glenn Beck Comedy Hour_," Rimmer suggested.

The Cat shrugged in acceptance and headed out the main doorway, followed by Rimmer.

Kryten went to follow, but Lister stopped him.

"Krytie? Do you think Kriss is gonna be alright?"

Kryten had learnt by now not to announce it when he went into Lie Mode.

"Sir, you must try and relax. I'm sure Miss Kochanski is just floating about amongst the stars, missing you deeply, regretting the decision she made so long ago," he said, quite proud of his lying.

Lister didn't believe Kryten for one second.

"Cheers, man. That makes me feel better."

And as they went their separate ways, both didn't notice the other grimacing at what was probably the ultimate truth.


	3. Still Here

The _SSS Legacy _was a rusty old hulk that was half the size of _Red Dwarf_. Dark in color with two nasty looking laser cannons built on either side like wings, and with it's round front narrowing and flattening out in the back, and a pair of landing legs on the bottom, it looked bird-like, almost resembling a parrot.

_Legacy _scythed its way through the current sector of space. It was on its way towards Andromeda, which of course, was nearly two million years away. The ship was a military ship carrying a crew made up of GELFs and Simulants alike.

And yes, you've probably guessed it.

Kristine Kochanski was on that ship.

And at this particular moment, she was down on her knees in a corridor of the ship, wearing yellow rubber gloves, wearing an apron, old clothes and her hair in bun, covered by a polka-dotted bandana. She had a bucket next to her full of sudsy water, and she was grinding a brush hard into the floor.

She had abandoned that miserable lonely life on _Red Dwarf _for this.

Two and a half years of this.

She'd deserted Lister on _Red Dwarf_, caring not for the consequences. She couldn't take the monotony anymore. They were so boring now. Their thirst for adventure had slowly sputtered and died.

Of course, she'd felt a little bad for just up and leaving them like that. She knew how Lister felt about her. She knew he'd be upset. But she just couldn't take it anymore. So she'd nicked a _Blue Midget _and run.

She'd been hoping to seek out another Linkway to her home dimension. Sadly, they were few and far between.

So, she continued on her way for a few months, and at several points, even considered going back to find Lister again.

Then she'd been shot down and captured.

She'd been in the middle of another episode of _Golden Girls _and onto her fifth carton of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks of the day when she found the underside of the ship being struck by a laser, and she ended up doing a corkscrew straight onto a desolate moon.

She'd been rescued by GELFs, and they took her back to the _Legacy_.

Of course, this crew was far from a welcoming environment. She was treated like a tavern wench. She was given the chores of a high school custodian.

She didn't keep good company. GELFs and Simulants alike would "accidentally" bump into her and "accidentally" knock her over and "accidentally" try to snake their ugly tongues down her gob.

In fact, if it hadn't been for the Captain of this ship, she'd have been dead a long time ago.

Captain Sliver was in charge because he was a Cyber-GELF.

Part Simulant and Part GELF.

Essentially an oversized sewage rat that was half-robotic. While one half of the body was a normal GELF body, the other half had a robotic eye, a robotic hand with many extra features, and a steam-piston leg that clanked when he walked.

Captain Sliver had a shred of decency in him. He was charming enough, she supposed. He made sure that no battles amongst his own crew ever broke out.

As Kochanski scrubbed away at the floor, she found herself suddenly cascading forward into the part of the floor that was still dirty. She could feel the impression of the GELF's boot as it stomped by.

"Watch it, Toots," it rumbled in a very baritone voice that would've made Casey Kasem shudder.

Kochanski glared at the creature as she struggled to get up again. She returned to her work, but she took note of some GELFs and Sims off to the side, just down the corridor. They seemed to be in some sort of private conversation.

Naturally, she tried to overhear.

However, they noticed her and all swiveled around to glare sharply at her.

"What're _you_ lookin' at, weirdo?" one of them growled.

_Pot, meet Kettle_, Kochanski thought to herself, trying to appear inconspicuous.

Then she became aware of a shadow pouring itself over her.

She knew better than to look.

But come on, when a shadow pours over you while you're doing a job, you've _got_ to look! It's mandatory!

She looked.

An angry-looking Simulant was nearly all of its flesh peeled off glared down at her.

Scroop.

He had the most piercing yellow eyes that Kochanski had ever seen.

"Learn to mind your own business, woman," he growled through his simulated voice.

Kochanski leveled with him. "Why? You got something to hide, Bright Eyes?" she sniffed.

Scroop instinctively reached out and grabbed her by the throat, hoisting her up in the air. Kochanski had to grab onto his metal fist to keep herself from getting decapitated on the spot.

"Why you little…," Scroop snarled as he slammed her against the wall and changed his other free hand into a knife.

Soon most of the crew had gathered round, and they were all laughing and jeering, pointing and shouting.

"Slice her!"

"Dice her!

"Serve her with a Danish Stew!"

But just before Scroop could deliver the fatal blow, he felt his other arm get pinched very hard to the point he was certain some fuses had been blown.

The shouting and cheering suddenly ceased.

Captain Sliver had made himself known.

"Scroop…," he said quietly in a raspy voice. "You ever saw what happens when you squeeze something _really hard_?"

To emphasize his point, he tightened the grip of his clamps on Scroop's arm. Sparks flew from the Sim's body, causing his other hand to open and allow Kochanski to land on the floor.

Sliver released his grip, turning the clamps back into his right hand again. He addressed his crew.

"Right, you lot know the rules! No brawling on this ship! Any further offenders get dismantled and turned into _talking toasters_!"

The Simulants onboard shuddered at the thought of being reduced to a bedside companion.

The GELFs onboard shuddered at the thought of _having _said bedside companions.

Sliver looked pointedly at Scroop, his electronic eye laser-pointing a red beam on the Sim's forehead.

"Am I clear on that point, _Scroop_?" he growled.

"Transparently," Scroop mumbled bitterly, throwing one last angry glare in Kochanski's direction before stalking off down the corridor.

Soon, all had gone back to their jobs and were away.

Sliver glanced down at Kochanski, who was massaging her throat as she got her breath back.

"Any damage?" he grunted.

Kochanski shook her head.

Sliver tutted and shook his head. The mechanics on his body whirred with each motion he made.

"Get on back to work then," he grumbled. "Be more careful next time."

Kochanski nodded.

Sliver hobbled along back towards his office, vanishing around the corner.

Kochanski watched him go, feeling some degree of comfort.

Captain Sliver seemed to always make sure no harm came to her.

Oh sure, he never treated her with respect, but he made sure no one tried to kill her. That was a big plus in her book.

But aside from that, he didn't really do her any favors. He was making her scrub floors, clean tables, prepare meals, check ropes, clean dishes and clean the shuttlecraft. All this each and every day for the past few years.

And she still wasn't used to it.

At this particular moment in time and space, she would've given anything to be back with _any _Lister in _any _alternate reality.

* * *

A few days later, _Red Dwarf _was banking downwards over a nebula and then straightened out again.

"Right!" Holly said triumphantly. "Straighten her out. Left a bit. To the side. We're cooking!"

"Cheers, Hol," Lister said, spooning his chicken vindaloo into his mouth.

"The trail is red hot. I'd better go." And Holly blinked off.

Lister nodded and quietly continued his meal, swiveling in his chair and putting his feet up on the console table so that he could look out into the vastness of space. He loved this giant window that took up most of the fourth wall of their quarters. It was good for thinking and musing, two things that he only did rarely so that it would seem more special.

He thought about Kochanski, mostly, but he thought about other things. He was thinking about the journey ahead. He was thinking about how life had almost screwed him over. He was thinking about what he'd do if it turned out there was no Kochanski to be found after all.

He'd be devastated, sure, but at least he'd have some closure. To know that it was simply impossible. He just needed to know.

And he wanted her to know that he loved her. He wanted her to know that he was still here.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Okay, so it's been established early on that Kochanski is not dead (because that would be mean to Lister). I knew from the start that she'd be alive because I wanted the climax in this story to mean something, and I figured that could only be accomplished if we knew what she was going through the entire time she's been away._

_Anywho, go ahead and review._

_...Please?_


	4. Starbug

**Author's Notes: **_A bit of housekeeping: this chapter is partly inspired by an action sequence from the animated movie _Treasure Planet_, a truly fantastic movie, and if you haven't seen it yet, stop what you're doing right now and go out and buy a copy of that movie. It is so unfairly underrated, and it has the best soundtrack ever. _I'm Still Here _is without a doubt one of the world's greatest songs._

_Enjoy..._

* * *

_Day 9…_

Lister and Rimmer were resting in the Sleeping Quarters after another long day of doing nothing.

Normally, Rimmer didn't like just doing nothing. He liked there to be a sense of purpose to a day in Deep Space. It was why he had created his incredibly long Daily Goals list. But lately, he'd found he enjoyed lazing around sometimes. In fact, he'd found recently that Lister was decent company when there was nothing for him to interrupt or destroy.

Right now, Lister was sitting at the table, taking all the empty beer cans from the week and making them into a pyramid. Rimmer was reading one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, and he was constantly backpedaling every time he did something wrong.

So what happened next was naturally a big surprise.

_Red Dwarf _was nearly tossed off onto its side as a bright yellow light somehow managed to transverse space and strike them.

Holly's image pixilated as she tried to get a bearing on what had happened. She spun about for a bit, was in sixteen places at once, and then finally figured herself out enough to get back into the Sleeping Quarters.

Lister climbed out from under his spilled tower of beer cans to look around. "What the smeg is going on?!" he grunted.

Holly looked very frantic. "What's going on? _I'll_ tell you what's going on! A star fifty clicks from us just went supernova!"

"So?"

"So it's about to hurl meteors at us! Big ones, too: Screamers!"

Rimmer managed to get up and look out the giant window that took up the far wall. He could see the orange shockwave from the supernova-ing star was just finishing its assault on the ship. But now there were tiny specks heading towards them, growing larger and larger.

"We'll never get out of the way in time!" Holly cried. "We've only got fifteen minutes before we're doomed!"

"What'll they do when they hit us?" Lister asked.

"Oh, they'll hit us one by one, rupture the hull, suck out the oxygen, possibly hit one of us, smash us to bits, and then leave the remains floating in deep space like a giant red colander. No worries," Holly replied.

"What the smeg do we do?!" Rimmer wailed.

"_Starbug_!" Lister replied, slapping the door button and leaving.

Rimmer heaved a couple of times and managed to follow after him.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the cargo bay doors were sliding open for the ramp in the cargo bay. _Starbug_'s retros scorched the takeoff pad and the little green craft coasted down the launch tube and made its way through the open doors.

The _Dwarfers_ sat at their stations, each of them totally engrossed in their mission at hand, as well as trying to remember which one of them had the Navicomp.

"Shields up! Prepping laser cannons," Lister announced.

"Bringing her around," said the Cat.

Rimmer checked his radar screen and pressed the keypad, activating magnification.

"Here comes the first volley! It's a biggie!" he announced.

"Direct collision course! Suggest evasive action!" Kryten said.

"Engaging reheat," said the Cat, flipping a switch.

The first meteors were coming towards them.

Cat maneuvered _Starbug _to a safe distance from them.

Kryten worked feverishly at the logistics console. "Targets acquired!" he announced.

The cockpit was turning a bright orange color from inside.

The supernova was growing larger and larger.

"Locking on…," Lister held the last part of the word 'on', "…_FIRING!_"

Twin streaks of red flung themselves out from _Starbug_'s underbelly and struck the two meteors. They erupted in large orange and red clouds, sending harmless chunks of debris zipping by them.

"Yeah, baby!" the Cat cheered, moving the ship gracefully around.

Lister wasn't sure how or when it happened, but somehow, over the years, they'd become a pretty effective team. He hadn't really noticed until the Elation Squid put them on Earth, but they were awesome!

"Threat warning!" Rimmer announced. "Four heading straight for _Red Dwarf_'s stern!"

"I'm on it, bud!"

_Starbug _zipped over towards the next batch of meteors, heading at dangerous speed for _Red Dwarf_.

"I'm going for it!" Lister shouted, aiming the laser cannons at the four meteors.

"They're in your sights!" Kryten declared.

"Locked on… _FIRING!_"

Several streaks of red came out from under them, striking each of the meteors, blowing them up out of the sky.

"_Yeeeeeeee_-esssss!" Lister exulted.

"Another threat warning!" Rimmer shouted suddenly.

"What is it?"

"Cat! Down!"

The Cat was startled and didn't react right away, but he managed to push down on the joystick, sending _Starbug _into a dive.

_**KLANG!**_

Something struck _Starbug_'s tail end, causing everyone to get bumped around in their seats.

"What was that?!" Lister shouted.

"Meteor just hit our tail end!" Rimmer announced. "I think we escaped with minimal damage."

"Then why aren't we able to move?" the Cat asked, struggling to get the joystick to move from it's locked position.

"We're heading straight forward!" Kryten wailed. "Incoming!"

Lister managed to get the laser cannons to face forward and aimed it at the incoming meteors. He managed to fire three streaks of laser at them, blowing them to smithereens and clearing their path.

"We're heading along the side!" Kryten explained. "Unless we can somehow turn around, we'll either just get smashed by a meteor or run out of harm's way, leaving _Red Dwarf _to be destroyed!"

"What should we do?" Rimmer demanded.

Lister aimed the laser cannons again, this time taking out a couple that were behind them.

"What's keeping the ship from turning?" he asked.

"The meteor must've struck something on the upper-gearbox," Kryten said.

"Why isn't secondary the secondary control system kicking in?!" the Cat asked.

"The conduit must've been damaged!"

"Then don't you think somebody should _FIX IT_?!"

"Sir, the only way would be to access it from the outside."

"Then we'll grab a spacesuit and get to it," Lister said, making to leave his chair.

But Kryten stopped him. "Sir, it is far too dangerous for you to leave this vessel!"

"He's right," Rimmer said firmly. "We're in enough danger as it is."

"Exactly, sir, I'm glad you agree. Let's go."

Rimmer stared in confusion as Kryten started to leave the cockpit. "Go? Go where?"

"Why, to fix the secondary control system, of course."

"What?! Why am _I_ coming?!"

"Because you and I are electronic life forms, sir. We shan't be hampered by spacesuits and can remain in space indefinitely."

Rimmer quickly got up to follow Kryten into the Mid-Section.

"Kryten, I really don't think –"

"I'll just activate your hard-light remote belt so that you may operate outside the ship," Kryten said, typing some commands into a keyboard.

Rimmer's image flickered and the blue waist belt appeared around his torso.

Kryten picked up a toolbox.

"Yes, look, Kryten, I really don't think I should –"

"We'd better take the lifelines, sir. Catch."

Kryten had opened a small cabinet and tossed Rimmer an elastic nylon rope that could be tied around his waist before taking one for himself.

"Kryten, we really don't –"

"Activating airlock doors, sir."

Kryten pressed a button and the airlock doors slid open.

"Right this way, sir."

"Kryten, please listen, I can't –"

"Sir, I can only pretend to ignore you for so long. Please, sir, I'll need your help."

Rimmer stared at the mechanoid for a few seconds before he finally heaved a heavy sigh and stepped into the airlock with Kryten walking behind him.

They stood in the chamber for a few seconds as Kryten began to activate the doors again.

"You are _very _irritating, Kryten," Rimmer mumbled, not even looking at him.

"I know, sir," Kryten replied with a satisfied grin.

And the doors slid shut.

* * *

Lister and Cat were struggling to keep everything working.

Cat had had to go sit in Rimmer's seat to keep an eye out for the meteors. He was trying to figure out what all the blinking lights indicated.

"Okay…," he said, watching the grid on the screen. "It looks like a few blinking lights are heading for the green light."

"On which side of the green light?" Lister asked, exasperated.

"On the left."

Lister aimed the laser cannon.

The Cat then made a dash for Kryten's console, looking it over.

"Okay, it says _Target Acquired_."

"Locking on… _FIRING_!"

Streaks of laser fired repeatedly from _Starbug_.

The Cat watched the radar screen as several of the blinking lights suddenly vanished.

"Okay, the blinkers are gone!"

"Cat, those 'blinkers' are the meteors," Lister said, hoping to explain.

The Cat stared for a moment, then looked at the screen, and then back again.

"So…you mean that all of those are the meteors that are trying to hit us?"

"Yes."

The Cat seemed to comprehend this in his head before a playful grin spread across his face. "No way…," he said with a slight laugh.

"Uh-huh," Lister replied, giving him a grin.

"So…you mean these five meteors that are about to hit the green light from the right are all meteors?"

"Yes…" Then Lister's eyes sprang open as he checked his own screens and aimed the laser cannons again. "Smeggin' hell!"

"Hey…," the Cat continued. "Do you think that this green light is _Starbug_?! I mean, call me crazy, but —"

"Cat, check the logistics!"

"Okay, okay, but I really think I'm on to something!"

* * *

Rimmer and Kryten, with their lifelines tied tightly around their waists, scaled _Starbug's _side, griping the footholds tightly in their grasps. As they reached the top of the rounded Mid-Section, they saw smoke billowing form the tail end.

"Oh dear," Kryten clucked into his communicator. "That could be a problem."

"No kidding," Rimmer muttered, trying to keep up.

They struggled up onto the top of the ship and then slid down the Mid-Bubble, heading for the rear one. They staggered up the slope towards the rear section and managed to climb up near the giant turbine engines and found the damaged gearbox, which was emitting smoke at an alarming rate.

Kryten then sat Indian-style in front of it, peering through the thick smoke.

Rimmer stood on hand nearby.

"Hmmm…," Kryten said. "Ah! I believe I've spotted the damage."

"Good! Hurry up and fix it so we can get the smeg out've here!" Rimmer shouted over the noise.

Kryten got to work, shining twin lights from his own eyes into the dark gearbox.

"Spanner, please, sir," he said calmly.

Rimmer dug through the toolbox and pulled out a spanner.

Kryten set to work in twisting a few things around before handing it back.

"Screwdriver, please, sir."

Stressed out beyond belief, Rimmer took the spanner back and pulled out a sonic screwdriver.

Kryten set to work in repairing the conduit. He opened up his chest monitor and pulled out a small length of wire from a storage compartment. He tied the small wire into place with the others, and then used the sonic screwdriver to put them into place.

"There," he said. "Mr Rimmer, if you would activate it from there."

Rimmer got down on his knees, looking past the dissipating black smoke and managed to get his fingers looped around a small lever behind the gearbox. He gave it a solid tug.

* * *

Lights began blinking and soon a whirring noise was heard.

"We've done it, sir!" Kryten exclaimed, happily getting to his feet. "We've regained control of the ship."

Inside, Lister and the Cat were relieved when the joystick suddenly drooped to one side.

"I think they've got it!" Lister shouted. "Bring her around, man!"

"I'm on it!" the Cat shouted, pleased to get a job he was actually good at. He gripped hold of the joystick and yanked it to the right.

* * *

Rimmer and Kryten held on as _Starbug _suddenly banked right and headed back the way it came.

Kryten stood up with the intention of calling down to Lister and the Cat, but as he was standing, a rather small meteor suddenly swooped in low.

Rimmer managed to duck in time, but Kryten found himself being struck on the side of the head.

"Oh! Goodness!" Kryten exclaimed, now a little dizzy thanks to his CPU being banged into.

"Kryten, are you alright?!" Rimmer shouted.

"I believe so, sir, I…"

Kryten never got to finish his sentence. In his disoriented state, he stumbled backwards and fell off of _Starbug's _back.

"KRYTEN!" Rimmer shrieked with his eyes alight with fear and distress.

Fortunately, Kryten was stopped from tumbling into the dark abyss of space by the nylon lifeline.

"Oh dear!" Kryten exclaimed, finally able to tell where he was.

The poor mechanoid began to climb up the stretching nylon rope back towards _Starbug_, but somewhere on the other side of the ship, where the lifeline was tied off on one of the footholds, a small flaming rock suddenly whizzed by, slicing the rope off.

Kryten became reasonably alarmed as he found himself sailing away into the darkness of space.

"Oh my," he said. "How unfortunate. Engage panic circuits… Panic circuits engaged… OH MY GOD, I'M ABOUT TO DIE! HELP!"

Rimmer watched as the remainder of Kryten's lifeline went flapping across the surface of _Starbug's _green hull.

Then something twigged inside his mind. Suddenly, his vision was obstructed by a pair of aviator sunglasses, and there were some wisps of golden hair dangling in his eyesight. He shook his head to clear himself of the image, confused momentarily, and then he felt something instinctive take over inside him.

Diving forward like an Olympic swimmer, Rimmer crashed onto his belly on the hull and grabbed the line just as it was about to completely disappear. He wrapped it around his arms and hands and began to pull backwards, winding Kryten in as if he were his favorite kite that he didn't want to lose in a strong wind at the park.

Summoning all his strength, Rimmer began to stagger backwards, pulling Kryten along.

Kryten managed to stop panicking long enough to pull himself along the rope as well, until finally, after a few minutes, they were both safely on _Starbug_.

"Oh! Oh Mr Rimmer, sir, thank you! I don't know how I can –"

"Stop your blathering, Kryten and let's get out of here!" Rimmer shouted, leading the mechanoid back the way they came.

But just as they were crossing back onto the Mid-Bubble, they noticed how very orange everything was. They looked to starboard.

A meteor that was about three times the size of _Red Dwarf _was floating in low above them. It was about to collide with _Starbug_.

* * *

Inside, Lister and the Cat could see it as well.

Lister was trying repeatedly to fire at it, but no amount of laser cannon could possibly deflect it.

"What the smeg do we do?!" Lister wailed.

"We've got no time to turn around! We're deader than pleather jumpsuits!" the Cat wailed, almost weeping.

* * *

Outside, Rimmer and Kryten held onto each other, bracing themselves for the collision to come.

But it never came.

Instead, the giant meteor halted, and then suddenly began to head back the way it came.

Rimmer and Kryten stared in confusion before they noticed that _everything _was being pulled back the way it came.

"What's happening to the star?" Rimmer demanded.

Kryten took a long hard look at what was in the distance.

"Goodness me," Kryten breathed. "It's devolving into a bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh…"

Seeing that Kryten's panic circuits were overloading, Rimmer looked and figured it out on his own.

"It's a black hole…," he whispered.

The black hole sat in the middle of a swirling orange, yellow and red light show that was being sucked away into its center.

"We need to get inside!" Rimmer shouted, tugging Kryten along.

They slid down the side of the ship and made it back into the airlock, where Kryten slammed the doors shut behind them.

The inner-doors slid open and Rimmer and Kryten, struggling to slip out of their lifelines, made it back to the cockpit and took their seats.

"What do we do?!" Lister shouted.

"We're being sucked towards that thing!" the Cat wailed, struggling with the newly-regained steering.

Rimmer checked his radar. "All the meteors are vanishing into the black hole. Kryten? Suggestions?"

As Kryten thought about what to do, the black hole erupted with a giant blast of orange waves. The shockwave knocked into _Starbug_, which was rapidly leaving _Red Dwarf _behind, which was far away enough to not yet be affected by the black hole's gravitational pull.

"Damn these waves!" Lister complained. "There increasingly erratic!"

"No sir, they're not erratic at all," Kryten corrected automatically, checking his screens. "There will be another in approximately twenty-seven point two seconds, followed by the biggest megella of them all!"

Lister then realized the solution.

"That's it! Cat, get turned so we're aiming away from the black hole."

Cat was confused but complied.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer demanded.

"We'll _ride _that last megella out of here!"

"What?! Are you nuts?!"

"Sir, we have little choice if we're escaping this nightmare," Kryten said nervously. "In the typical lacking of a sane plan, I suggest we go with Mr Lister's."

Rimmer moaned to himself, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Fine…," he muttered.

"Almost got it," the Cat said, struggling to line the ship up right.

Finally, _Starbug _was pointing in the right direction.

"Got her in place!"

"Good. Now everyone get ready!"

"Here comes the next wave, sirs!"

_WHOOSH!_

They were suddenly hit with a force that actually picked Rimmer and Kryten up and threw them from their seats.

Lister and the Cat struggled with their joysticks.

Kryten staggered upright again, managing to look up at his screen.

"Sirs! The last wave, here it comes!"

"Hold on to your wage packets!" Lister yelled.

Rimmer, unable to get up in time, clutched the side of his desk and proceeded in singing some comforting campfire songs.

The Cat closed his eyes and hoped it would be quick and felt thankful he'd chosen one of his better suits to die in.

Kryten hoped Silicon Heaven was lenient on liars.

Lister thought of her.

They disappeared into the nothingness of the black hole.

Then there was nothing.

Nothing was there for a few seconds.

Or maybe it wasn't.

Nothing has no time.

Then suddenly, there was a loud boom.

With this loud boom came a giant ball of yellow sparkling matter that resembled flame. Against it was the tiny outline of a beetle.

The beetle silhouette grew larger and larger.

Suddenly, _Starbug _was being pushed out of the black hole by the big yellowy thing. Its wave picked up the little craft and threw it out of the abyss.

"Engaging reheat!" the Cat managed to shout.

He flicked a switch and _Starbug's _thrusters kicked in. They were soon a green streak jetting away from the black hole and into the safety of deep space a good distance away, where _Red Dwarf _stood waiting for them.

The Cat looked around bravely. He looked at the screens on the desk and then saw _Red Dwarf _approaching, so he quickly disabled the reheat and slowed the ship down so that they could find the cargo bay doors.

Lister looked next, slowly opening one eye, and then the next. "We did it…," he breathed.

Kryten looked next and examined his surroundings. "Indeed we did, sir," he confirmed.

Rimmer looked last, finally loosening his grip on the desk to look around. "We're not dead?" he asked.

"We're not dead," Lister confirmed.

"Oh sirs, that was the most… I don't even know how to describe it!"

"Then let's not," Rimmer said, getting up and stretching. "I'd rather not relive it, thank you so very much indeedy."

"Mr Rimmer, sir, you saved my life back there! How can I ever repay you?!"

And before Rimmer could answer, he embraced the hologram in a giant hug.

Rimmer stood there, a look of disgust on his face while Lister and the Cat tried not to laugh.

"That's a particular part I'd rather not relive," he muttered, wriggling to get free, but this soon proved the impossible, so he gave his chest a good thunk, managing to deactivate his image.

Kryten found himself hugging nothing as Rimmer's light bee dropped to the floor, and then floated back up as he image burgeoned back into existence so he could walk away.

Holly then appeared on the screen.

"Oh I was worried you weren't gonna make it," she breathed. "Good work, team. Opening cargo bay doors."

"Cheers, Hol," Lister said with a grin. "Take her home, Cat."

"Right on, bud."

_Starbug _made a nice steady turn and flew through the opening cargo bay doors. The little green craft flew up the ramp and touched down nicely on the launch pad.

"Right, Hol, resume course. We carry on," Lister said, leaving his seat and heading for the airlock.

They all walked wearily away, ready for a good rest.

* * *

Kochanski was finishing up her daily chores for the day. She had nearly been killed about six times today, which was really a step up from the usual twelve. She was in rather good spirits as she put all the cleaning materials away in the closet for the night. She had to pass Captain Sliver's office along the way, so she walked inside.

The office was incredibly ill-kept. Papers were strewn everywhere, half-eaten food added an odor to the room, unhealthy-looking plants sat around the place, and there was a large number of pencils stuck to the ceiling.

Sliver was sitting in his Captain's Chair, looking over some papers, grumbling slightly to himself as his cybernetic eye beamed a small line of orange light down onto them.

Kochanski strode into the office purposefully and snapped a smart salute.

Sliver didn't even look up at her. "Kochanski, ma'am?" he asked.

"Report, sir."

"Proceed."

"I have completed my duties for the day."

"Everything?"

"Everything, sir. Toilets have sanitized, pit stops of been refurbished, cafeterias have been mopped, floors have been scrubbed, and the new VHS supply has had its cellophane removed."

"Excellent."

"Thank you, sir. Permission to retire for the evening?"

Sliver paused, still looking his papers over.

"Just so you know…," he said, as if she'd never spoken, "…we will be going into dry-dock in a few days. We will be stopping for repairs over Asteroid 9-8808/B tomorrow. You are welcome to visit the asteroid for your own personal entertainment."

"Thank you, sir," Kochanski replied. "I appreciate that."

Sliver nodded curtly. "Permission to retire for the evening granted."

"Thank you, sir. Good night, sir," and she snapped another smart salute and strode out of the room.

As the doors to his office hissed shut, Sliver sighed to himself, finally looking away from the papers and focusing on the door that had just closed. His eyes were plagued with doubt and worry.

"Sorry to do this, milady," he mumbled as he picked a biro out of the lot in his moldy pencil case. "But we have to do what we can to survive in this old universe."

Taking the pen neatly in his cybernetic fingers, he signed the document neatly.

It read:

**SLAVE TRANSFER**

**NAME:** KOCHANSKI, KRISTINE Z

**PURPOSE: **SACRFICE


	5. Asteroid 98808B

**Author's Notes: **_The asteroid belt that features in this chapter was inspired by the _Galactic Bazaar_ from cazflibs' series of Ace Rimmer fics. If you haven't read them yet (for some ungodly reason), have a look, eh? _

_GELFS, Simulants, Symbi-Morphs, Dolochimps and Axis-Syndrome Holograms are property of Grant Naylor._

_Read and review, eh?_

* * *

_Day 12…_

_Red Dwarf _continued to slink silently through Deep Space.

Lister, Rimmer and Cat were seated around the table in the Sleeping Quarters, playing a casual game of cards.

"Okay…," Lister said. "Worst date ever… Go."

"Well…," Cat said, thinking back. "I remember I once went with this one girl when I was younger."

"What happened?"

"She took my best shoes and urinated in my bed."

"Hmmm…"

"How about you?"

"I once took a girl to a petting zoo in Liverpool," Lister said. "I had some leftover curry in my left pocket. We went to the little pen where you can feed the animals. A goat ate my trousers."

"Really?" Rimmer asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It was November, too, so it wasn't half cold."

"You wore underwear, right?"

"Of _course _I did!"

"They weren't your teddy bear boxers, were they?"

"Smeg off!"

"How about you, Goalpost Head?"

Rimmer thought for a moment. "Once, I took a girl to this really fancy restaurant."

"How fancy?" Lister asked.

"You ever been frisked for bad breath?"

"Wow."

"So anyway, everything was going well for awhile. We shared each other's wine glasses. She didn't even try to poison me. It was going _that _well."

"So what happened?"

"Well, she got up to powder her nose, and then I later found out she had run off with the valet guy…in _my_ car."

"Ouch," Lister said, wincing.

Rimmer shrugged. "Raise you two paperclips and a toothbrush."

"I'll see your toothbrush and raise you a comb," Cat said, placing his own items in the middle of the table.

Lister looked at his cards and sighed. "Getting too rich for me, man. I fold," he said, putting his cards down.

Rimmer's eyes flitted back and forth between his cards and the Cat.

"Alright, I'll see your comb and raise you a packet of toothpicks."

"I'll see your toothpicks and raise you an old calculator."

"I'll see your calculator and raise you a roll of scotch tape."

"I'll see your scotch tape and raise you a set of nail clippers."

"Alright, I'll call. What have you got?"

Cat flashed a grin as he laid out his cards.

"You've got the Old Maid. I win!"

Rimmer threw his cards down in disgust and rested his head in his hands as Cat cackled proudly and raked in his winnings.

"Ha, ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm financially well-off! Ha!"

"Oh do smeg off," Rimmer grumbled.

Lister chuckled and got up from his chair, crossing to his bunk. He went through his things and pulled out his lunch from earlier.

Cat's nose suddenly crinkled and he looked over his shoulder at him. "Hoo-_wee_! Bud, you need to start eating your food when it's _given _to you. You're giving it too many chances to get up and leave."

"Hey, it gets better with age," Lister insisted. "Besides, you melt enough cheese and smother it all over, it tastes about the same."

"Cheese?" Rimmer asked.

"Cheese is just one of those foods put there to make everything else taste better. I bet I could enjoy sushi if you'd barbecue it and pour a little melted cheese on it."

Rimmer rolled his eyes.

Holly then appeared on the screen. "Hang on, chaps," she said, blinking her eyes. "I've got a blip. Quadrant two-five-niner. _Blue Midget_'s signal is coming from that direction. Taking her round."

"Cheers, Hol," Lister replied. "What's in that direction?"

"An area of non-hostile GELF Space. It's mostly a trading area. There's a series of Asteroids set up around there. GELFs, symbi-morphs, dolochimps and the like come there for various reasons: refueling, bartering, drinking and sex. I should think they're relatively open to human beings."

"So you think Krissie may have passed through there at some point?"

"Quite possibly."

"Brilliant. Let's be off."

"What we do now?" Cat asked.

"We need to get with Kryten and plan a course of action."

And Lister left the room, munching on his lunch, with Rimmer and Cat tailing behind him.

* * *

Kochanski was sitting amongst the GELFs and Simulants in the shuttlecraft taking her down to the Asteroid. She was hoping she could have a decent meal for once. Her stomach was still protesting from an entire month of gruel. She hadn't even had a small bit of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in a long time.

She remembered being in the Tank with Lister and their crew. She remembered being fed Space Weevil, an insectoid vermin. Lister had been the only one able to stomach it. He had described it as tasting like King Prawn. Kryten had reasoned that if the weevil were fed properly before serving, they could be quite nutritious. She had gone without eating for nearly three weeks before Kryten had tied her down to her chair, restraining her arms, Rimmer pinched her nose, and Lister and Cat force-fed her weevil.

It had gone on for about an hour, and afterwards, she found her tongue had dulled to the taste. She now found it not exactly edible, but she didn't vomit afterwards, so it must've worked.

The memory made her smile now. They had only been looking out for her. She remembered Rimmer making lewd comments about her getting so skinny that they could fold her in half and slide her under a door. Cat had told her to eat three pizzas a day for a month and maybe then she'd start to cast a shadow again.

But she'd gotten through it with their help.

And now she was really beginning to wonder what it was that had driven her to desert them in the first place.

The intercom near the door buzzed and crackled with interference before a slightly garbled voice spoke. "_Now arriving on _Asteroid 9-8808/B. _Please disembark in your own time_."

The shuttle shuddered to a halt, landing in its terminal. The double doors hissed open. All the GELFs and Sims got up and headed for the doors, marching out in single file.

Kochanski got up as well, walking steadily along behind them.

Asteroid 9-8808/B was a full place. It was full hustle and bustle. Various creatures of different sorts were swarming to and from different shops. They were laughing, chatting, belching, sniffing, snorting, drinking, eating and doing various unmentionables all around.

While various members of the party broke off to do their own thing, Kochanski wandered off in search of food service. She wanted something decent to eat. She studied one of the local maps that stood sticking out of the ground. It was a big tall vid-screen, similar to a display you might see at the airport.

On the side of the screen were various buttons with names of language next to them.

_Kinitawowi_

_Breferwino_

_Dolochenese_

_Syndromadas_

_Graferwandas_

_Homo Sapiens_

Kochanski pressed the button next to the appropriate name and watched as all the words on the screen changed to various Earth languages. She selected English and watched as all the various locations appeared in 3D form on the vid-screen, and various words describing them appeared in little annotations to the sides of each one.

Once she located a local eatery close by, she set off in that direction.

When she arrived, Kochanski smelled the smell of warm meat cooking, which made her feel much better. There was cigar smoke in the air, and there were creatures milling about everywhere. Music was playing over the intercom.

Nervous, Kochanski moved cautiously around towards the main counter, hoping to find a menu or something. She had a special card that could help her pay for the food she wanted. She seated herself on a barstool and settled down atop it.

"Human?" the GELF bartender asked.

Kochanski nodded.

The huge GELF was wearing an apron. He turned to a filing cabinet and pulled on a drawer that looked rustier than the rest. He gave it a couple solid tugs and soon had the old drawer creaking open. He pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it to her.

"What's that?" Kochanski asked.

"It's the menu stash. We get so many different types in here we require all the languages in the universe. There's been a severe shortage of humans these past few centuries, so we don't use it very much."

Kochanski nodded in understanding as he looked her menu over. It was actually a fairly decent display. A few decent edibles were on the list.

"I'll have the steak with chips," she decided, handing the menu back.

"You got it. Just slide your card through the receiver slot when it comes up," the GELF said, turning and heading for the kitchen.

Kochanski waited momentarily, and then the small card-sliding device came out of the counter in front of her. She took the credit card out of her pocket and slid it through the slot. A number total rang up on her little screen, and the small machine vanished.

Afterwards, the GELF returned and put the dish down on the counter, handing her utensils as well.

"Manjia, manjia," he said, turning towards another customer.

Kochanski smiled gratefully and began to tuck in. It was her first real food in a while, and for once, she enjoying herself. She wondered what it would take to come back here sometime. It was rather pleasant here, actually.

* * *

In a darkened corner of an alley behind a GELF Bowling Alley, Captain Sliver was standing before a pair of Kinitawowi GELFs. He was flanked at both sides by a pair of Simulants, one of whom was Scroop.

"I have the form for you right here," Sliver said, handing over the transfer form to one of the GELFs.

The two GELFs looked the form over, glancing back and forth at each other. They smiled very slimy grins.

"Thank you, Captain," the first one said. "May the Goddess Apearlo bless you forever."

"Yeah, sure," Sliver said, not really buying into that superstitious crap. "I'd like my payment, please?"

"Of course," the GELF said, handing him a small brown bag that jingled when he dropped it in Sliver's robotic hand.

"So where is she?" the second one asked.

Sliver faced Scroop. "Has she made any purchases yet?" he asked.

Scroop held his arm up to his eyes and punched some commands into his wrist screen. A series of green numbers flitted across the screen rapidly before he finally found what they were looking for.

STOP & GO EATERY

HUMAN ORDER: STEAK AND CHIPS

NAME: KRISTINE KOCHANSKI

Scroop's features shifted into a menacing grin. "Found her," he said.

* * *

Kochanski pushed her empty plate back, where a pair of thin robotic arms came down and plucked it away, taking it into the ceiling with a mechanical buzz. Her stomach satiated for now, she got up and walked away from the bar and headed back for the door.

She stepped out into the open area in front and took a deep breath of the fresh air. She observed her surroundings several creatures were streaming past her in various directions, paying her no heed. She considered checking the maps again with the intention of finding some sort of entertainment.

But then she noticed a GELF coming in her direction, looking directly at her. He was wearing a white belt around his waist. She quickened her pace and headed in the opposite direction. But when she went that way, she saw that another GELF wearing an identical white belt was heading for her as well. Then she saw a third one coming from in between them, dressed completely in white, heading straight for her.

"Oh smeg…," she mumbled.

She turned to head back into the building, but she had already moved past the door and instead crashed into the wall next to the hatch. She turned around and saw all three GELFs standing menacingly over her.

Kochanski chuckled nervously as her eyes flitted back and forth between them. "Well, you're all dressed up. Are you kids collecting for UNICEF?"

There was a whoosh and a roar, and suddenly, Scroop dropped on his heavy metal feet right in front of her, grinning menacingly. He leaned in close to her face, the motor oil on his breath still apparently ripe.

"Going somewhere?" he snarled.

Kochanski was shackled and cuffed from her neck to her ankles. She was picked up from either side by two of the GELFs roughly by her arms.

The two GELFs from before smiled benignly at Captain Sliver.

"Again, we thank you, Captain. She shall make an excellent sacrifice," the first one said.

Sliver grunted in reply.

"Sacrifice?" Kochanski repeated.

"You are to be sacrificed to our goddess Apearlo," the GELF said grandly. "It is a most prestigious honor!"

"Prestigious honor?" Kochanski repeated. "That's a prestigious honor in the way that getting rejected from University of Oxford is a prestigious honor! Captain, how could you do this to me?"

"Oi!" Sliver snapped, pointing his real finger at her. "You don't understand! I have to make ends meet! Selling you off was the best financial decision I could come to!"

Kochanski stared at him incredulously.

Sliver faced Scroop. "Scroop, we'll be here for a few days. During that time, I want you to be on patrol. Make sure Miss Kochanski doesn't try to escape."

Scroop's face twisted into an evil grin as his yellow eyes glowed bright. "With pleasure, Captain," he said, with his voice tingly with excitement.

Sliver threw one last glance in Kochanski's direction before he stalked off.

Scroop grinned once more and took to the skies.

"Come along then, my children," the GELF said. "Let us be off. Apearlo awaits!"

Kochanski was picked up and taken roughly away. She didn't even bother to put up a fight. She was dragged away like a limp rag. She felt a few tears stream down her cheeks as she realized what was going on.

She had given up on Lister, and now life was getting her for it.

* * *

Later that day, Captain Sliver was approaching a large building. It had a crooked neon sign hanging off of scaffold that read _NEW USED AND USED NEW SHUTTLE CRAFTS_. He hobbled towards the doors, interchanging between his real leg and his mechanical one.

The door hissed open and allowed him passage. The inside of the store looked like your regular run-of-the-mill auto-parts store, but with far more outlandish merchandise than our puny little twenty-first century minds could comprehend. He looked around and saw a GELF behind a counter, polishing some old parts. The GELF looked up at him.

"May I help you?"

"Captain Sliver. You purchased the shuttlecraft from me?"

"Ah, yes! Where is it?"

"Just outside. Have a goosey?"

"Sure, sure, I'm coming."

The GELF got up and walked round the counter and followed Sliver out the doors. His eyes lit up when he saw it.

"She's a beaut," he said affectionately.

"Indeed. You ready to do business?"

"Sure, I've got the papers in my desk. I'd just like to look it over first."

"Go for it."

The GELF walked over to the craft. "JMC, right?"

"Yup."

"It's in remarkable condition."

"Well, we've been looking after it."

"It's perfect."

"What're you gonna do with it?"

"Oh, touch it up a bit. Make a few modifications. Reupholster the seats. Maybe do something with these landing legs…"

"Eh, it's your business. You ready?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm good. Let's do this."

And in a matter of fifteen minutes, _Blue Midget _was officially sold.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_FanFiction does in no way endorse the teachings of Apearlo or any other GELF religion._

_So yeah... Don't send me angry emails about it. ;)_


	6. The High Priestess

_Day 15…_

_Red Dwarf _slowly puttered into GELF Space. The strings of asteroids were simply floating in their circle. They could make out several shuttlecrafts commuting to and from the different planetoids.

"Nice setup they've got here. Very homely," Lister said, watching all this activity on the giant screen in the Drive Room.

"Which way is the signal coming from?" Rimmer asked.

"According the Navicomp, it takes us through to the Asteroid 9-8808/B, sir," Kryten said, examining the extra-long printout sheets that held the data.

"So what's the plan, man?" Cat asked.

"Suggest we take _Starbug _now and head for that asteroid."

"Great. Let's vamoose," Lister agreed, making for the hatchway.

"Hey, what about me?" Holly objected.

But Rimmer rounded on her. "Now Holly, you promised. We lived up to our end of the bargain. Now here we are. We're taking _Starbug_."

"Oh, but Arnie…," she pouted, batting her eyelids.

"No!"

"_Arnie_?" Cat asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Look, Hol, here's what we'll do," Lister said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old wristwatch.

Holly visibly blanched. "Aw, come on, Dave…," she complained.

"Look, do you want to come or not?"

Holly scowled. "Oh, very well," she grumbled. Her visage vanished from the screen, and she reappeared on the watch, looking very uncomfortable. "Be careful going into your pockets or so help me…," she warned.

"Yeah, yeah," Lister said, smirking.

"Onwards! To the Bug Mobile!" Cat said, leading the way to the lift.

* * *

Kochanski was being led into a large room. It looked like some kind of dining room. A long table with a tablecloth dominated the room with a gothic-looking chandelier hanging from the ceiling, giving the room a bluish glow. She was seated in the one and only chair at the head of the table, and she was flanked at both sides by the two GELFs.

"Where are we?" she asked cautiously.

"Dining Room," one the GELFs said, standing stock still and staring straight ahead.

"Oh… Why?"

"You shall see."

Annoyed by the vague answer, Kochanski pouted, folded her arms and waited.

Finally, at the other end of the table, a pair of double doors hissed open and in walked another set of GELFs. The two in the back were dressed like the ones at Kochanski's side, but the one in the front of dressed in very official-looking robes and with a tall white hat.

"Greetings!" the GELF said in a surprisingly female-ish voice.

The two GELFs at Kochanski's sides immediately made several swift motions with their hands in some form of greeting, which the GELFs at the doorway answered.

"You have brought the sacrifice?"

"Yes, High Priestess," the GELFs said.

"Good."

The High Priestess walked down the length of the table and glared studiously at Kochanski.

"Yes, yes… Yes, she should do nicely. Tell them to bring in the supplies."

"Yes, High Priestess."

The GELFs did their strange hand gestures and departed the room, leaving Kochanski with the High Priestess.

"Supplies?" Kochanski asked, looking worried. "What supplies?"

"You are a human being, yes?"

"Yes."

"There aren't many out there."

"I've noticed."

"We've had to get by with lesser species: cats, dogs, dolochimps, the odd symbi-morph…"

"But what does me being human have to do with that?"

"You humans are at the top."

"Top of what?"

"The top of the goddess Apearlo's desires."

"Apearlo?"

"Surely you have heard the legends?"

"Humor me."

"The GELF Goddess Apearlo looks over us. She looks over the only creatures that were ever blessed with perfection."

Kochanski rolled her eyes.

"She requires a yearly sacrifice. One sacrifice helps her to keep our sun in our skies."

"Right."

"And you, female human, are our sacrifice."

"So…you think that by killing me, your sun will stay with you."

"Exactly. Do you understand your purpose?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Do you understand what is to take place?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then understand everything?"

"Yep, indeedy-do."

"Excellent. Then tell me."

"You're all completely bonkers."

The High Priestess sighed disparagingly. "I suppose I should not expect you to understand. You are a human being. You are beneath us. You do not understand our ways."

"I understand all too well."

Just then, the doors opened again. Kochanski looked over her shoulder and felt her jaw loosen and slide downwards a little.

The GELFs were pushing in carts of food. She wasn't sure what sort of food it was, but it smelled pretty damn good.

"Ah good, the supplies are here," the High Priestess said.

"What's all this for?" Kochanski asked.

"You are rather skinny and puny, I'm afraid. I few days here with three square meals each day will do you good."

"Essentially, it's the lollipop before I get my shots."

"Call it what you will."

One plate of food was picked up and placed in front of her. It looked like a sort of buffalo wing.

"Would you like to know what that is?" the High Priestess asked.

"I don't care. It smells fantastic," Kochanski sighed. She picked up the piece of meat by the bone and took a bite out of it. It tasted wonderful. She continued to eat it.

"We shall leave you to dine in peace, then. Come, my brothers and sisters."

The GELFs all made their hand motions again and exited the room.

Kochanski didn't even watch them go. She was so hungry that she was practically ripping the meat off the bones of this creature. But somewhere in the back of her mind, she was trying to coordinate her escape.

_They've left you unguarded._

I wonder what this stuff is…

_I wonder if the doors are locked._

What's that blobby yellow stuff? It smells good.

_Stop eating! You've got to escape!_

It tastes like butter!

_Would you stop for just a moment? We need to escape!_

It's like heaven in my mouth!

_Would you just… It is rather good…_

Ooh, this green sprout. It's got a nice blend of spices.

_Yes, it has… No! Be strong! You're in the Space Corps, for smeg's sake!_

This is like ice cream… It has cookie chunks in it…

_Yes, it… Snap out of it! Don't you see what they're doing?!_

I know, I know, but I just can't stop!

_We've gone too long without a decent meal._

I have no self-control anymore.

_All our senses are out of whack!_

Which of us is actually Kochanski again?

_I don't remember that either!_

Are these doughnuts?

_I'm not sure. You've eaten twelve of them already._

Weren't we supposed to escape or something?

_My mind's gone all foggy. I can think straight…_

…Mmm, these taste like peanuts…

_Yeah…_

_

* * *

_The High Priestess poked her head into the room an hour later. She saw Kochanski leaned out of her chair in a food coma, her face smeared with various sauces, and her stomach bloated from the recent onslaught. She smiled contentedly and left again to make the proper arrangements.

* * *

Scroop circled the space around the asteroids, his eyes scanning the surface of the one Kochanski was on. She had made no attempts to escape as of yet, but he remained ever diligent.

One thing that _did_ interest him elsewhere was the presence of the large red mining ship that had appeared in the distance. It had been sluggishly traveling towards the belt for the past few days, but it'd strangely enough started to enter an orbit around the one of the asteroids.

A few hours later, he made note of a small green ship leaving the bigger red ship and head down towards the asteroid's surface. It didn't even stop at the Traffic Control Centre. It just flew down towards an unpopulated section of the planet.

Curious, Scroop's eyesight zoomed in on the small green craft, trying to get a reading on what it was. Reams of data spewed across his eyes and downloaded into the small screen on his arm, which he brought up to his face.

_JMC Shuttlecraft_

_Starbug_

_Four Life Forms Detected_

Scroop selected the dropdown option under the final bullet.

_Life Forms Include:_

_1 Mechanoid (Diva-Droid 4000 Series; Minor Upgrades Include Canadian Voice Unit)_

_1 Hologram (Upgraded Type 1; Hard Light)_

_2 Humanoids (Click for more info)_

Indeed, Scroop clicked for more info.

_Humanoids Include:_

_1 Felis Sapien (Descended From Common House Cat)_

_1 Human Being (or a very close approximation)_

Scroop scanned the last sentence again.

A human being.

His mind flitted back to when they had first rescued the human female, Kochanski. She had been rescued from her crashed JMC Shuttlecraft, called _Blue Midget_. She'd said she'd come from a mining ship.

That was a mining ship, and it had a group of crewmembers coming down in a JMC Shuttlecraft.

Scroop's face twisted into a grin, his sharp triangular metal teeth gnashing with delight.

"Well, well, well… What have we here?"


	7. Gathering Clues

The _Dwarfers _had landed _Starbug _in an open field on Asteroid 9-8808/B. They trekked through the tall grass, trying to keep a low profile, lest they be seen.

"Now we must beware, sirs," Kryten said quietly, holding the Psi Scan out in front of him. "Unlike the GELF Tribes we have encountered before, these are a far more civilized kind. Many of them are fluent in several languages, hopefully some of which are from Earth. If necessary, I shall translate for all of you."

"Everyone ready for this?" Lister asked, tightening the strap on his bazookoid.

"I'm ready for anything," the Cat replied determinedly, grinning widely.

Just then, a huge GELF lumbered past them, not noticing them, but nevertheless, they froze as they watched him.

"I just remembered. I don't know what our napkins look like," Cat gulped.

"Let's go check," Rimmer whimpered.

And they both started to head back, but Lister grabbed their shoulders and they headed further into the forest. "Come on," he grumbled.

After about fifteen minutes of trekking through the wildlife, they arrived in the main marketplace. It was alive with different breeds of GELF and the like, several species the _Dwarfers _had never seen before.

"Wow, look at all these creatures," Lister half-whispered.

"It's just like a supermarket on a Saturday morning," the Cat agreed.

Rimmer snorted. "Don't be ridiculous. This place is a dangerous free-for-all where everything has its price and violence is never far away and… Actually, yeah, take your point."

"Sirs, suggest we start asking around. Hopefully somebody here will know about Miss Kochanski," Kryten said.

"Psh, forget that," Cat sniffed. "These guys won't help us. Besides, we've got a much simpler way to go about this than just talking to people."

"And that is…?" Lister asked, his brow furrowing.

"We follow my nose wherever it goes!"

And before anyone could stop him, Cat was sniffing wildly at the air. After a few seconds of him waving his nose at the sky, he seemed to pick up on something and followed the scent through the crowd.

They followed the Cat through the crowd, marching single file. He led them past all the lumbering GELFs, dolochimps, symbi-morphs and holograms.

As they walked through the crowds, Lister saw a woman smiling seductively at him from the street corner. Lister correctly guessed she must be a prostitute, but he didn't understand why she looked so human.

"What's she, Krytes?" he whispered, trying not to make it obvious he was looking at her.

Kryten gently tapped on the Psi-Scan and discreetly pointed it in the woman's direction. He took it back and looked at the results. "Says here she's a symbi-morph, sir," he said.

Lister nodded and walked away from the street corner, hoping to keep up with Rimmer and Cat.

"So what's a symbi-morph then?" he whispered.

"A symbi-morph has the ability to psychically link with its master's mind and change on command."

"So it's a bit like a pet like the Emohawk?"

"Precisely."

"How'd it get out here?"

"It must've broken its psychic link with its master and is living out here on the streets, trying to make it on its own."

Lister shook his head. "Man, it's a sad time when the symbi-morphs are whoring themselves for cash."

Meanwhile, Rimmer was almost at Cat's heels, determined not to lose the stupid moggy. As he walked, he noticed another hologram standing at a stoplight. He was waiting for his turn to proceed onwards. The hologram noticed him and raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement. Seeing that the Cat had stopped for a moment to sniff in various directions, Rimmer decided to make conversation.

"Hello."

"Hey," the hologram replied. "What happened to you?"

"Pardon?"

"How'd you die?"

"Oh. Er…Cadmium II radiation. Wiped out the whole crew. You?"

"Wrecking ball fell on me."

"Ouch."

"Indeed. You're a type one, aren't you?"

"I believe so. It's been awhile."

"How'd you get Hard Light?"

"It was a gift from an insane person."

"Nice."

"How about you?"

"I was made this way."

"Oh?"

"Yep. Axis-Syndrome Hologram."

"Axis-Syndrome?"

"Yep."

"What's that?"

There was a pause.

"…I've forgotten."

"Oh. Bad luck."

"Yeah."

The light turned green.

"Well, nice chat. See you around."

"Right," Rimmer said, waving politely.

The Axis-Syndrome Hologram marched away and blended in with the crowd, leaving Rimmer feeling slightly bemused by the conversation.

"Buds, this way," Cat ordered suddenly.

Rimmer looked over his shoulder and motioned with a jerk of the head for Lister and Kryten to follow. They all marched after the Cat, who was gaining speed as he made his way through the crowd.

In the end, Cat led them to a small metal building with a small smokestack on the roof. He led them inside.

"Where are we, Kryten?" Lister asked.

"It would appear to be a local eatery of some sort," Kryten said, looking the building over.

"He'd better not just be hungry," Rimmer grumbled.

They could smell meat cooking and cigar smoke. There were a few creatures seated at tables, but the counter was clear, so they made their way for the barstools and sat down upon them.

The GELF bartender looked up and saw them. He squinted his eyes at Lister for a few moments before he spoke.

"Human?" he asked.

Lister nodded. "Yeah, man. Why?"

The GELF shrugged. "Just curious. Gotta have the right cuisine ready."

"Oh, erm, we're not really here to eat."

"Speak for yourself, bud," Cat snorted. Then he flashed his most winning smile in the bartender's direction. "Whatcha got, bud?"

"What are you?"

"I'm a cat!"

"Huh… Really?"

"You bet!"

"Weird."

"What is?"

"That's the Blue Plate Special."

Cat's grin shattered into a look of fear. "I've suddenly lost my appetite," he said uneasily.

The bartender chuckled. "So if you're not here for chow, what can I get you?"

"We need some information," Lister said.

"We're looking for another human," Rimmer explained. "Female. Last we saw her, she was blonde."

"She could change her hair in a moment's notice," Cat said, his voice full admiration.

The bartender looked thoughtful. "I think I know who you're talking about… Any of you got a picture of her?"

Lister immediately went into his back pocket and pulled out his old leather wallet. He opened it up and almost instantly, several flaps that should've filled credit cards tumbled out, each holding a picture of Kristine Kochanski.

Rimmer rolled his eyes disparagingly.

The bartender scanned the pictures closely before nodding. "Yep, that's her," he said firmly.

"Yes!" Lister exulted, simply elated.

"How long ago was this, sir?" Kryten asked.

"Ooh, maybe a few days ago," the bartender said, scratching his chin. "She ordered steak and chips and then hit the road. I haven't seen her since."

"Did she say anything about where she was heading?" Lister asked eagerly.

"Sorry, no. But she used a business card to pay for the meal. I should have it on file somewhere. Maybe it'll tell you something."

"Cheers, man."

The bartender pulled the computer out of the counter and began to type in the commands. He began trawling the data and soon found what he was looking for.

"Here she is," he said, turning the screen for them to see. "It says here that she was registered with a ship with the registration number _980218809321/B_."

"That's it? Just a number? Not the name of the ship?" Lister asked.

"Nope, sorry. But you know what you can do? You can head down to the space port and find out the name yourself."

"Ah, that'd be the big building in the middle of the asteroid," Kryten said, remembering from earlier.

"Great. Thanks for the help, man," Lister said to the bartender as he got up.

"Best of luck to you, my friends," the bartender said, waving goodbye.

The _Dwarfers _left the establishment and headed for the center of town towards the giant building that loomed in the distance.

"What a charming man," Rimmer mused. "I had no idea GELFs could be so cordial."

"Come on, guys, let's get going," Lister said, following after Kryten.

* * *

The spaceport they arrived in looked not unlike a terminal at a bus station, but it was about as big as an airplane hangar. The ceiling stretched several miles high into the sky, housing all the giant spacecraft that hung in the air, in dry-dock.

"Where do we go?" Rimmer asked, looking around the giant room nervously.

Kryten scanned the room. He saw an abandoned computer console was connected into the wall. He tapped his chest a few times in contemplation before walking determinedly towards it. Curious, the others followed him.

"What's this, Krytes?" Lister asked, looking the console over.

"It would appear to be a data center, sir. Just a place to figure out where you are and the like. With any luck, we should be able to get the information we need from here."

"You really think that thing can tell us which Officer Bud-Babe was on?" Cat asked.

"Not on it's own, no. Mr Lister, I shall require the Holly Watch."

Lister was confused, but he unstrapped the watch and handed it over.

Kryten pressed the stud on the rim and aimed it at the computer.

The screen's vertical hold slipped momentarily before Holly's confused visage appeared on data on the screen.

"What's all this then?" she asked.

"Holly, we require you to try and hack into the computer systems here. Try and find a ship with the registration number _980218809321/B_."

Holly nodded and began to trawling through data. "Right, hang about…," she said slowly, hoping to make it look like she was only thinking it over instead of struggling to find a way into the mainframe. "Okay, I've hacked into the main computer banks. Going through a list of options… Now going through a list of ships. _980_… _2_… _188_… _09_… _32_… _1_… stroke…_ B_! Got it!"

"What's the data say?" Lister asked impatiently.

"Ship: _SSS Legacy_."

"Any more details?"

"Captain's name is Sliver. Half-GELF, Half-Simulant. Crew is mostly GELFs and Sims of the like."

Lister stared. "What was Kriss doin' on a ship filled with those horrible monsters?"

"According the Captain's logs, about three years ago, Kochanski's _Blue Midget _was attacked and crash-landed. She was rescued by the _Legacy_, and Captain Sliver put her to work cleaning the ship. There aren't that many details."

A picture came up on the screen of Captain Sliver. His face looked more tired than menacing, and something about him put Lister at ease.

"What now?" Cat asked.

"The ship is still in dry-dock," Holly continued. "The shuttle hasn't returned to pick up the crew from planet leave. She's probably around here somewhere."

"Brilliant. We just gotta figure out where," Lister said, taking the watch back from Kryten. "Come on, guys, let's get the smeg outta here and find her."

Putting Holly back into the watch, the _Dwarfers _made sure nobody had seen them and quietly left the building.

But as they walked out the doors, they didn't notice someone watching them from above. A pair of hot yellow eyes stared down at them…


	8. Captain Sliver

**Author's Notes: **_Inspiration for the Cat's action scene is derived from Doug Naylor's novel _Last Human_. Cheers, Doug._

* * *

Kochanski had taken to wearing a ratty old pair of jeans since she'd started her new joke of a life. They were the only pair she had. She couldn't go and buy a new pair of khakis or spandex or a skirt or anything. When she wasn't working, she had to wear this ratty old pair of blue jeans. So imagine her discomfort when she woke and found they didn't fit anymore.

All the food she'd eaten all day had finally taken its toll, and she found it more than a little difficult to button the front of the pants up.

Fortunately, she was saved by the GELFs who were looking after her. They needed to get her new measurements in order to prepare her new sacrificial robes. It was bittersweet.

"We shall see that your new outfit is splendid. It must be fit for Apearlo herself."

"Mmmm," Kochanski mumbled. "Yes, a goddess won't take a pair of dirty blue jeans, will she now?"

The GELFs either ignored or didn't notice her sarcasm. They measured around her bust, her arms, her legs and finally, her waist. She didn't bother to look at the measuring tape. Even in the GELFs' metric system, she just didn't want to die knowing she wasn't a size eight anymore.

"Would you like to see what your robes will look like?" one of the designers asked.

Kochanski grimaced. "No, that's alright, I don't think I…"

She trailed off when she saw that she was already being shown the picture of the extravagant gowns.

"Oh, that _is_ pretty…," she murmured.

* * *

The _Dwarfers _wandered the streets on in the marketplace. They were trying to figure out what to do and how to do it.

Lister was leading the troop along what was, put simply, a sidewalk of some sort. He watched as all the strange, strange creatures walked about, selling, buying, drinking, laughing, bartering and what have you. His eyes flitted through the crowds, watching them all with cautious eyes.

He was about to suggest they had back for _Starbug _and plot out a new course of action. Perhaps they'd be able to get a bearing on her through her ID, now that they knew she was here. But something in the marketplace made him decide on a new plan.

There was a particular GELF standing before one of the stalls. He was purchasing what looked like candles. He was wearing a long overcoat and a large hat. But what drew Lister's attention to him was the lack of right leg. He couldn't help but stare at the peg leg that was under the creature's wide girth.

"Smeggin…," he whispered.

The GELF completed his purchase and tipped his hat to the stallholder and turned, preparing to dive back into the basic traffic.

Lister stopped moving, causing, Cat, then Rimmer and then Kryten to all bump into him.

"What's the deal, bud?" Cat asked.

"Shhh, look," Lister whispered.

The others looked across the street at the GELF and stared. While one half of the body was a normal GELF body, the other half had a robotic eye, a robotic hand with many extra features, and a steam-piston leg that clanked when he walked.

"Captain Sliver…," Kryten whispered, remembering the name.

But before they could decide how to handle the situation, Sliver started moving again, and he disappeared into the crowd.

"He'll know where Kriss is," Lister said, pointing in the direction he'd gone. "We've gotta catch up with him."

The Cat, without hesitation, removed his yellow flannel jacket, folded it neatly in two and held it out to Kryten as if it were the Turin shroud. "Guard it with your life, bud, and I mean your life."

"Sir, you can count on it."

"If you get trapped in a burning building, promise me the jacket leaves first."

"Sir, protecting this jacket is my new reason to live."

"That's all I wanted to hear."

And in a cloud of dust, he was off.

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten watched him leave before Rimmer faced Kryten. "Were you just being sarcastic? I can never tell with you."

The Cat weaved past a group of onlookers and started to tail Captain Sliver as he headed towards a large building. He managed to see he wasn't going inside, but was instead going around it. With his prey's location determined, he leapt over two GELFs carrying a roll of carpet, side-stepped an overturned fruit stand and flung himself onto a fountain in the middle of the street, which he rebounded off of and somersaulted through the air, changing his general direction as he landed, and he vanished down the alley.

Captain Sliver heard somebody coming up behind and slowly turned around, and he was quite startled when he saw the Cat's insane grin no more than two inches from his face.

"Hi, buddy!"

"Who are you? What do you want of me?" he demanded.

And then Lister, Rimmer and Kryten ran up, the first of which was panting as he stumbled behind Cat and clapped him on the shoulder, allowing the feline to back down and rejoin the others.

"You're Captain Sliver, right?" Lister asked, managing to get his strength back.

"Who wants to know?"

"Dave Lister. We run the mining ship, _Red Dwarf_. You rescued our crewmate a few years back. We've come for her."

Captain Sliver stared at Lister like he was a genital wart before his only eyebrow rose in realization. "Kristine Kochanski?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

"Yes! Can she come back with us?"

"I'm afraid it is no longer my authority."

"But you're captain, sir!" Kryten objected.

"I'm afraid she was sold off only a few days ago."

Lister let out a growl in anguish as he stamped his foot in frustration. But the others held on to hope.

"Who was she sold to?" Rimmer asked.

"To the Kinitawowi GELF Tribe on the neighboring Asteroid 3-30288/D. Roughly about a six hour trip."

"Cheers, man," Lister said, slightly relieved, and they turned to leave.

"I'd recommend you scarper pronto," Sliver called after them. "She is in grave danger."

The _Dwarfers _halted and slowly turned around to look at him.

"Why?" Lister asked slowly.

Sliver almost didn't look him in the eye, but when he did, they saw the remorse his real eye carried. "She was sold as a sacrifice to their goddess."

"Aw hell," Cat said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

"You what?!" Lister yelled.

"You don't understand the circumstances! I have to find ways to make ends meet!"

"You put were able to decide your smegging liquid assets were more important than another's life?!"

"I'm sorry!"

"No, you're not! _But you're gonna be_!"

Lister almost jumped the Captain, but Cat and Rimmer succeeded in holding him down.

Kryten pleasantly ignored the struggle and approached Sliver himself. "I don't suppose you could give us coordinates to Miss Kochanski's location, could you? If you'll help us, we won't mention your involvement at all."

Sliver stared at the mechanoid for a few moments before he held up his robotic hand. His fingers all fused together and a formed a small pointed pyramid. A pair of alligator clips snaked out the hand.

"This may sting a little," he warned.

"Ready to receive data, sir," Kryten replied.

Kryten felt the two clips latch onto his inlet, located in his neck. He felt a sudden onslaught of data flood his systems. Then, in an instant, it was over, and all necessary information had been transferred to his CPU. The clips disconnected and snaked back over to Sliver.

"Ah, thank you, sir," the mech said, smiling a plasticly.

"Yes, well…," Sliver said. "I wouldn't recommend taking the shuttle. If you went that way, you'd have armored guards surrounding you all the way to the sacrificial grounds. You'd need to find another way to get there so you can sneak in."

"Thank you, sir. We shall attempt."

Lister had by now stopped thrashing, but Rimmer and Cat held his arms just in case. He watched the Cyber-GELF suspiciously as Kryten walked back to them.

"Suggest we motor, sirs."

"Yeah… Yeah, right," Lister said, calming down.

Sliver watched as they started to leave, and a thought occurred to him.

"Oh, one more thing!"

They stopped and warily looked at him again.

"Her _Blue Midget_ was sold to the local Used Shuttlecraft Dealer. It's not far from here. Just go down the street for about a mile. …You know, if you could use it."

Lister smiled courteously. "Cheers, man. We'll look into it."

Sliver nodded in reply and turned and left. He hobbled slowly down the alley and vanished around the corner.

Lister watched him leave for a few moments before he went to follow the others.

* * *

Kochanski stared at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her new sacrificial robes. They were long and flowing. They were a sort of off-white, and she had several large pink bows hanging from it, as wells as a beautiful wreath of flowers around her head.

"Yes… Yes, very pretty," she said to herself.

The GELF High Priestess poked her head through the door and saw her. She immediately walked across the large room and headed towards her.

"Ma'am, you're looking fit for our goddess!" she said.

Kochanski regarded her strangely. "Erm… Thanks."

"We shall take you to the sacrificial ring within the hour. In six hours, you will know what it means to be a part of the Kinitawowi tribe!"

"I've got a fair idea already, yes."

"Would you like anything before we depart? Have someone brush your hair? Spruce up your outfit? One last meal maybe?"

"How about you let me off and find some other sucker to be devoured by your goddess?"

There was a silence.

The High Priestess pulled out a communicator and pressed the transmitter. "Last meal it is," she said.

"Yes, ma'am," the voice replied.

Kochanski sighed despondently.


	9. Blue Midget

**Author's Notes: **_Okay, just a warning. Things are going to get a bit techincal towards the end of this chapter. Forgive me is some of the logic falls out of this story and splatters all over the floor._

* * *

Kryten led the others through the streets, his eyes sweeping across the various buildings they were passing by. He was being very careful not to miss something important. Finally, however, his efforts paid off. He saw the large neon sign.

_NEW USED AND USED NEW SHUTTLE CRAFTS_

"This is it, sirs," he said.

The _Dwarfers _stared up at the building.

"Huh. Looks a bit like the garage back in Liverpool," Lister commented.

"I believe it," Rimmer said, grimacing at the grungy building.

"I'm glad I chose not to wear white today," Cat added.

"Let's go, sirs. We'll need to implore to the owner about _Blue Midget_."

Nodding firmly, they marched through the doors of the shop and looked around.

"Smeg… This is impressive…," Lister whispered, not ready to attract attention.

"Interesting collection," Kryten agreed, going over some of the parts.

The GELF shopkeeper was behind the checkout counter reading a magazine, keeping to himself, until he looked up and saw them wandering around.

"Can I help you?" he called over to them.

All four _Dwarfers _jumped in surprise and scrambled to turn around and look him in the eye. They smiled their most winning smiles.

"Good day to you, shopkeeper!" Rimmer said a little too loudly.

"And to you, sirs, may I help you?"

They all looked at each other nervously before Lister bravely approached the counter.

"Well, you can sure as hell try. What do you know about a JMC Shuttlecraft?"

"You looking for a specific make? I only have a few."

"It goes by the name _Blue Midget_."

The GELF's eyes opened in amazement. "You're in luck! I just got one of those awhile back. What do you need it for?"

"Well, we kind of need to do some sort of…rescue mission, I guess you could call it. It's ideal for our purposes."

"I see. You see, the thing is, I've already made some modifications to it."

"Modifications?"

"I've given the engine an overhaul, changed some of the controls and given it a new operating system."

"I see."

"Hold on, I've got the new blueprints on file somewhere."

As the GELF went to a nearby data computer in his wall, which was facing away from them, Kryten took note of a wall of shuttlecraft keys behind the counter. He scanned over them before he recognized one of them. He leaned over to Rimmer and spoke through the side of his mouth.

"Sir, you see those keys?" he muttered.

"Mm-hmm?" Rimmer asked, looking straight ahead.

"I recognize one of them as _Blue Midget_'s key, sir."

"Excellent, Krytie. How do we get it?"

"Suggest I magnetize it over to us."

"Good. Excellent. Go for it."

Kryten nodded and began to fiddle with his chest plate.

Rimmer waited for him to act. Then it twigged.

"What the smeg do you mean, 'magnetize'?" he hissed.

"Watch this, sir." Kryten had removed one of his chest plates, which was revealed to contain a large black plate. "Just homing in on the appropriate one… Got it."

Suddenly, Rimmer's image flickered and shut down, and his light bee was suddenly attached to the magnet on Kryten's chest.

"Oh! Whoops! Sorry, sir!" he hissed quietly.

Rimmer's voice always went all tinny and metallic when he was inside his light bee, and as such, his attempt to sound threatening didn't come across very well. "_Kryten_…," he warbled.

Kryten managed to pull the bee off his chest and flicked the button that burgeoned Rimmer back into being.

"I'll just, er, try again, sir."

"Yes, yes."

Kryten tried the magnetizer again, but once again he didn't get the right thing. Instead of the key, Cat's hands suddenly flung up and smacked into the magnet, his jewelry sticking fast.

"Hey!" Cat complained.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry, sirs."

"I'm just glad I didn't wear earrings! Man, I'd be in some serious pain!"

Kryten deactivated his magnetizer and let Cat catch his jewelry. Leaving the offended feline to get back in order, the mech tried again.

"Okay, third time is the charm," Kryten mumbled, trying again.

As if on cue, Lister's belt suddenly snaked out from under his leather jacket, and the buckle attached itself to Kryten's chest. Instantly, Lister found it a might drafty in this room, and saw his trousers around his ankles.

Rimmer bit back a smirk. "You got that right."

Lister glared as he quickly set to work in pulling his pants back up, snatching the belt back from Kryten.

Upon seeing the GELF return, Kryten gave it up and closed his chest plate again.

"Okay, here's the paperwork," he said, handing the papers to Lister. "You folks looking to buy?"

"We haven't really got much to offer you," Lister said sheepishly.

"I see… Well, would you like to at least have a look at it?"

Lister glanced at the others, who nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, sure."

"Great. Take her for a spin if you need," the GELF said, taking the key down and handing it to them.

Lister stared at the key in his hand incredulously before looking at Kryten again, who didn't really try to make direct eye contact.

* * *

They scrambled into the new _Blue Midget _cockpit and looked around.

The entire island of computer banks that had taken up the middle of the room had been removed, and in its place was a giant flat floor-screen with a handrail going around it with two sets of buttons on either side.

The pilot's controls at the front of the ship had been replaced with other sorts of screens that were reeling out data for them.

"What the hell did they do this thing?" Rimmer demanded.

"Looks like a Dance Revolution," the Cat grinned. "I should be good at this!"

Lister took out the watch and aimed it at the nearest screen. "What's your take on the sitch, Hol?" he asked.

Holly appeared on the screen and looked around.

"It seems they've reconfigured it into a Walker of some sort. It's a bit like those Space Hoppers on Mimas, but it's more used for walking."

"We already knew about the landing legs. How do you power it up?" Rimmer asked.

"Well, it'll take some time. I'll have to devote most of my runtime to finding a way of hacking into the new computer codes and finding some sort of – Done!"

Suddenly, all the lights came on. _Blue Midget _sprang into life.

"Excellent!" Kryten exclaimed, clapping his rubber hands together. "Right then, let's take our stations."

"Right, Kryters, you take the logistics. Rimmer, you take the Navicomp. Cat, you take the main screens."

"What about you, sir?"

"I'm flying this baby."

"How do we do that, bud? They've taken the joysticks out."

"Hol?"

"I'm on it, Dave. Found it."

The ceiling suddenly opened up above them, revealing a secret compartment. Suddenly a helmet with a clear green visor around the front dropped down out of it, dangling from a long hydraulic tube, with thin green and blue wires running up and down it.

Followed by this, two more holes opened up in the ceiling, and out dropped a pair of gloves and two boots.

"What are these for?" Lister asked.

"They ain't for fashion, that's for sure," the Cat said, crinkling his nose.

"Ah, it's animatronics," Kryten supplied. "Often times used in the film and TV industry, animatronics are the use of electronics and robotics in mechanised puppets to make them appear to be alive. Animatronics are mainly used in moviemaking, but also in theme parks and other forms of entertainment. The application of animatronics includes computer controlled as well as radio and manually controlled devices. The actuation of specific movements can be obtained with electric motors, pneumatic cylinders, hydraulic cylinders and cable driven mechanisms."

There was a long silence as they all stared at him curiously.

"So…the gloves and helmet and boots make the ship move," Lister guessed.

"Precisely, sir."

"Brutal. I'm getting them on."

Lister headed for the floor screen and got under the helmet, attempting to get it to come down a bit further so it would sit on his head. But it would only just quite graze the top of his head.

"Smeg… Holly, make it come down."

"That's as far as it goes, Dave," Holly replied. "This was designed for six-foot-tall GELFs and taller. You fall just short of that."

"What?! But we've gotta get goin'!"

"We'll need someone tall enough to fit inside the helmet," Kryten said.

"_Pfft_. Not me. I'm not gonna get helmet-hair just because we can't get decent steerage on this old crate," the Cat snorted.

Rimmer glared at him. "Okay, so if not you, _who_ then?" he demanded.

No sooner had he said that than he regretted it. Now everyone was looking at him expectantly.

"No!" he exclaimed. "No, no. No smegging way. Forget it, Lister. I categorically refuse."

"Rimmer, _please_?"

"I'm not piloting this vessel, Lister, and that's final!"

"_Please_?!"

"No!"

Holly appeared on the screen in front of Rimmer.

"_Pwetty pwease_?" she asked, sticking her bottom lip out again and putting her head at a tilt.

But Rimmer quickly put a hand over the screen.

"No! I'm sorry, but no! We'll have to find another way."

"Rimmer, come off it, man! You can do it! I know you can!"

"I can?"

"He can?"

Everyone glared at the Cat before readdressing Rimmer.

"Rimmer, you know what you're capable of. We've seen you. Look, I know you're always goin' on about how you'd have been a success if you'd had everything your brothers had and all that, but for smeg's sake, why?! You can be a success just the way you are! You have a chance! Take it!"

Rimmer was sufficiently stunned. He'd never heard Lister actually _encourage _him before. It used to be blackmail or threatening when Lister wanted something, but he had to remind himself of just how desperate Lister was to get Kochanski back.

But that only made him feel sorry for the smegger.

_Well_, he decided, _what the hell?_

"I accept no responsibilty when I roll this thing," he snapped, getting up from his seat and heading towards the pilot's panel.

Lister smiled gratefully and clapped him on the back as he headed for his seat.

"My hero," Holly said with a wry grin.

Rimmer, grumbling dreadfully, pulled down the helmet, the green visor putting a lime-tint on his vision. He pulled on the long gloves that were very heavy and snaked their way up to his elbows. He had Holly remove his regular blue-and-black boots and pulled on the other ones.

Once that was all done, all the buttons on the railings lit up in a pretty lightshow.

Swallowing hard, Rimmer glanced at the others, who were all looking expectantly at him.

"Everyone ready?" he asked.

"Whenever you are, sir," Kryten replied.

"Then let's do this thing."

Cautiously, Rimmer brought his leg up.

_Blue Midget _suddenly listed to the right as the ship copied the motion.

"Whoa!" everyone cried.

Everyone inside slowly started to slide to the right, but then the inside of the cab seemed to compensate for the movement and straigtened out again.

"Hmmm…," Kryten said, "it would seem as though that the cockpit is able to remain level with the ship, meaning that if the ship tips over, we inside remain rightside-up."

Realizing it was working, Rimmer put the foot down ahead of himself. He found himself moving slowly backwards across the floor screen. Realzing it was acting like a treadmill, allowing him to travel forwards and yet stay in the same place, Rimmer took a few more careful strides forwards, watching everything on the vid-screen.

"She _riiiiiiiiides_!" Lister cheered. "See, Rimmer? I told you we could do it!"

"Yes, yes, yes, very nice," Rimmer snapped. "Now if we could just find a door…"

But Rimmer had been so busy concentrating on just walking that he ended up knocking down a wall, and they stumbled out into the sunlight on the streets, sending multiple GELFs into a panic.

"Uh, there's one," Cat said, pointing feebly.

* * *

In the main store, the GELF shopkeepr was still reading his magazine. He looked out the window and saw _Blue Midget _clumsily stomping down the street, sending the citizens into a panic.

"Hmmm…," he said. "Fifth one this month… Maybe it's just me."

And he went back to his mag.


	10. Scroop

The shuttle doors slithered open and let a small 'ding' go off to let blind people know that they were open.

But Kochanski was not blind, so she thought it was redundant.

Four GELFs, all wearing white belts, surrounded her. The first one clambered aboard himself. Two at either side of her picked her up by her arms and carried her in. They were followed by the fourth.

"Now, now, boys, let's not be hasty about this. I'm sure I can walk myself. After all, it's not like my legs are broken."

The GELFs stared at her quizzically.

Kochanski laughed nervously as she looked between them. "Er, that wasn't a suggestion."

They shrugged and carried on.

She was plopped down on a small metallic chair. Four metal clamps sprang out and surrounded her wrists and ankles, effectively strapping her down. She looked around at all the GELFs that surrounded her. They took their own seats on the benches around her.

The High Priestess entered next. She hit the button that shut the door behind her. She then walked over towards the driver. "We'll be on our way to the ring now," she said.

The driver nodded and started up the shuttle. The craft vibrated for a few moments before slowly rising to the air and heading on it's way.

The Priestess then approached Kochanski.

"Your death shall be magnificant," she said. "The goddess Apearlo shall be most pleased with you."

"And that's what I've been trying to do. Please the invisible GELF Goddess," Kochanski replied dryly.

"And because you can not see her, you do not believe her?"

"Well, seeing does help the credibility, you must admit."

"How so?"

"Well, you know that suns exist, yes?"

"Of course. A gift from Apearlo to give us life."

"It's not going to be there forever. Eventually, it'll burn out."

"Perhaps, when Apearlo sees fit."

"How do you know the sun exists?"

"I see it every day!"

"Precisely. I believe we have sunlight. I can see where it's coming from. It helps the credibility."

"Point being?"

Kochanski sighed.

"Oh come now, child. Surely you understand belief."

"Yes. I used to believe and all that crap."

"What happened to your faith?"

"…He never showed up."

* * *

_Blue Midget _stomped through the marketplace, sending various creatures into a frenzy.

"How the hell are we supposed to use this thing to get to the other asteroid?" Cat demanded, trying to pay attention to his screen.

Rimmer's eyes flitted left and right behind the green visor of the helmet. He tried to see what options they had. "Holly? What can you get on this ship? What can we use?"

Holly did a complete scan over the ship, getting a look at every nook and cranny. "He didn't take the old engines out. Maybe we can transfer some fuel over to them," she said.

"We have plenty to spare," Kryten said. "We could give it a try."

"But then how do we start them up?" Lister inquired.

"Let's worry about that once we're out of town," Rimmer decided. "I'm not exactly up for GELF-kebabs right now."

"We're just going in a straight line. We need to turn somehow."

Rimmer growled slightly, feeling frustration growing in his head. He managed to find his way around the control panels and searched for something. He noticed two buttons side by side that had arrows that pointed left and right. Curious, he pressed down on the one pointing left.

_Blue Midget _lurched and suddenly began to track towards the left. The button was altering their course so long as he held it down. When he released it, he moved forward again. Feeling a bit more confident, he continued in that direction.

Rimmer tried to keep an eye on where he was going, attempting not to step on anyone. Fortunately, he was being given a pretty wide path, thanks to the lack of blindness in the citizens' terror. At last, he located the entry gate and smashed through it, sending wood splintering everywhere.

"There," he said. "Now let's find a field somewhere where we can do this."

"In that case, suggest you make a right turn, sir," Kryten advised.

Rimmer nodded and managed to make the ship change directions, heading out into the fields.

Just then, Holly appeared on the screen. "Chaps, we've got a visitor," she warned.

"Smeg, I hope we're not getting a ticket for stomping without a license," Rimmer mumbled. He stopped walking and looked around.

Lister checked the screens and tried to find where their visitor was.

Finally, the vidscreen in the cockpit showed them a Simulant with a piercing set of yellow eyes.

Everyone felt their stomachs flip over.

"Smeg…," Lister hissed fearfully.

"He's trying to talk to us," Holly said. "Shall I put him through?"

"Go for it, Hol."

A speaker crackled into life and a hissing, growling voice came through the grill.

"Going somewhere, my friends?"

Rimmer looked around the control panel for a button to press. He found the communications channel and flipped it on. A microphone dropped from the ceiling and hung in front of him.

"Er, don't mind us. We're just about to leave."

"You're not going anywhere, _Dwarfers_…"

Lister felt dread build up in his nerves.

"The _Red Dwarf _crew, consisting of one mechanoid, one hologram, one humanoid, and one human being. I greet you. My name is Scroop. I take it you mean to resuce Miss Kochanski?"

Rimmer swallowed. "Erm… Maybe?"

"I think _not_."

Cat snorted. "What's this guy gonna do? We're safe and sound in here! Let's just step on him and be on our way!"

But before anyone could say anything, a change seemed to come over Scroop. Suddenly, his arms were flipping over themselves, his legs were bending, he was suddenly on his knees, his legs were growing, the plates were flipping over to reveal rubber pads, his feet attached themselves at the rear, caterpillar treads were formed, they grew in humongous size, a pair of huge guns flipped out from under his shoulders, his arms bulked up and formed into a pair of razor-sharp claws that snapped open and closed, and he was finally a gigantic war machine with his head smack-dab in the middle, grinning an evil grin at them. He was now about as big as their ship.

Cat felt his confidence droop. "Never mind…," he whimpered. "How about we instead make like an Alaskan governor and split?"

For once deciding the Cat was on to something, Rimmer immediately started running on the platform, and _Blue Midget_ followed in suit. Everyone was bounced in their seats, trying to keep from falling on the floor.

"You can _run_, but you can not _hide_!" Scroop yelled after them, laughing maniacally as he pursued them.

* * *

The shuttle touched down on outside a gigantic rock formation. The landscape was almost totally empty, and it looked like a small volcano from where they were.

Kochanski was led outside into the open air, and she took the view in.

"National Geographic would eat this up," she mused.

The GELFs took her by the arms and picked her up.

Kochanski saw a long line of GELFs were heading into the base of the mountain. "What're they all doing?" she asked.

"They are here to watch the ceremony," the High Priestess said. "It is a big part of our society."

"You're trying to have a serious religious ceremony and you're putting it out as entertainment, aren't you?"

"What slander! I'll have you know this is part of the tradition!"

Then they heard the voice of an announce coming from the mountain. "_Please take your seats, everyone. The ceremony will begin in four hours. Get those cameras at the ready_!"

Massive cheers erupted from the mountain.

The High Priestess glanced at Kochanski, who was raising a skeptical eyebrow.

"It's how Apearlo wants it," she said unconvincingly.

* * *

Rimmer gasped for air as he bounded along the asteroid's terrain.

They could still hear Scroop's mocking laughter echoing behind them as he reached out to them with his claws, his caterpillar treads kicking up grass and mud.

"These…boots…are very…_constricting_!" Rimmer gasped, trying to keep his head up.

"Keep it up, Rimmer!" Lister encouraged. "We'll figure this out!"

But Scroop was gaining.

"Alright, humies! Time to clock out!" he roared.

The two guns perched on his shoulders like parrots primed themselves up. They fired twin streaks of blue laser in their direction.

"Incoming fire!" Kryten shouted.

"What the smeg do we do?!" Rimmer shouted.

"Duck!" Lister shouted.

Rimmer wondered why he didn't think of that himself and immediately stopped running and crouched down, causing everyone else to fly up into the air as their ship suddenly bent down.

The aforementioned twin streaks of blue shot over them.

Rimmer then stood up and started running again.

"Ooh, boy, I think I feeling a Jackson Pollock coming on," Cat muttered.

"Sirs, I think I've just about found a way to transfer the fuel to the old rockets," Kryten said, looking up from his screens. "I'll just shift a small load over for a quick test."

"Go for it, Krytes," Lister said with a nod.

Kryten pressed a button.

"Fuel transfer complete, sirs."

"Now what do we do with it?" Rimmer demanded.

But his answer came in a different way than they expected.

Scroop was leveling his guns with them, and he immediately fired a shot at the old rockets in the back. The shot took them off guard, and _Blue Midget _took the hit in the rear. But just as Scroop was just about on them, the flame got to the small amount of fuel that Kryten had transferred, causing the ship to gear up and roar, giving off a huge amount of flame that hit the old simulant right in the face.

Scroop let out a blood-curdling scream as _Blue Midget _suddenly shot forwards through the air, but it was traveling straight ahead, jetting away from the Sim.

"Rimmer, do something!" Lister wailed.

"Oh, shall I? Very well, I'll just tell the ship to stop farting. How's that?" Rimmer shouted back, very annoyed.

_Blue Midget _shot forward through the air like a commuter train, wobbling slightly, looking like it was surfing as it tried to keep balance.

Up ahead, they could see a farm, and on that farm was the GELF farmer, who was working on plowing his fields with his large tractor. He looked up and saw a small blue bug getting larger and larger as it came.

"What the smeggin' tarnation…?" he breathed.

Realizing the blue bug was a ship that had no intention of stopping, the farmer abandoned his tractor and ran.

Kryten check the gauges. "Oh, sirs, good news: the fuel sample is depleted. We should recommence normal walking any second now."

But Rimmer was having trouble steering and he ended up landing on top of the tractor, which was surprisingly able to tolerate the weight of the large shuttlecraft and wobbled off down the farm, carrying _Blue Midget _like a child on a skateboard.

"Oh for pity's sake…," Rimmer wailed as he tried to balance on one foot.

Cat's screen began to flash. "Uh-oh. Buds, according to the desk, there's a large lake just ahead."

"So?"

"Says here it's got some sort of flammable substance in it. What's the word? It starts with an 'n'…?

"Rimmer, again, _do_ something!"

"You're so bloody needy, you know that?!" Rimmer snapped, growing angrier.

But the lake was coming closer and closer.

Everyone searched their panels for some form of relief, but Lister found it in the shape of a button that a picture of a parachute on it. Almost before they hit the water, a giant parachute flew out of _Blue Midget_'s back, and they were most pleased when it caught them and gently lifted them up off the tractor, which went sailing into the lake with a huge tidal wave.

Rimmer stumbled and staggered, and he almost sent _Blue Midget_ into the drink herself, but he managed to restore balance, much to everyone's relief.

"Sweet smegging god…," Lister sighed, mopping his brow.


	11. Rimmer

The rear entrance to the mountain was a hollowed-out section that held an open-sided lift. The GELFs were holding onto Kochanski and were preparing to enter now.

Kochanski looked around, trying to appear casual and to ignore the fact that her innards were doing a can-can right now. She noticed something interesting near the main gate.

"What's that stall over there?" she asked, squinting to make out the writing on it.

"It's not important," the High Priestess said, jabbing the lift-call button again.

"Is that…? Are those…?" She squinted saw one of the GELFs take something from the stall. Her eyes widened with the realization. "You're selling T-Shirts?"

"Hmm?"

"You're selling T-Shirts to an important event of this nature?"

"Oh now you're just splitting hairs!"

"I can't believe you people! You're actually selling T-Shirts at what is described as a religious event! There's even a bloke over there selling ice creams!"

"Well, it's a long wait till the sacrifice!"

* * *

_Blue Midget _stomped over a mountain range.

Kryten was just finishing up. "There we are, sirs. That should sufficient enough to get us to Asteroid 3-30288/D."

"Okay, how're we doing this?" Lister asked, looking over the controls.

_**WHUMP!**_

Their heads all whipped forwards to look at the view screen. Scroop, who was slightly blackened like a fried Cajun catfish, was glaring at them.

"Oh smeg, _he's _back," Rimmer groaned.

"What do we do now?" Cat asked.

Suddenly, Scroop's claws reached forward and grabbed _Blue Midget_'s stumpy little arms.

"Hey!" Rimmer yelled, grabbing the railing around his platform. He tried to reverse away from the Simulant, but he couldn't get any traction.

Then Scroop's body began to turn.

"Let's go for a ride!" he crowed, gaining speed.

Rimmer's hands gripped the railing tightly as he hung in the air.

Lister, Cat and Kryten gripped the consoles worriedly.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Rimmer wailed frantically.

Scroop continued to spin, moving along the mountain range, chuckling to himself at how easy this was. But he didn't notice that _Blue Midget_'s engines were grazing slightly against the rocks. Every time they did, sparks would kick up. This process continued for several rotations.

Seventeen.

Eighteen.

Nineteen.

Twenty.

Twenty-one.

Twenty-two.

_**KABABABOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

_Blue Midget _suddenly started up in a huge burst of fiery flame. The little blue ship was wrenched free from Scroop, who was knocked over by the takeoff.

Four _Dwarfers _screamed in terror as they rocketed through the sky.

Acting quickly, Rimmer managed to get some sort of solid thought, and he started to search the control panel before him. He managed to locate another button that had a joystick on it. He frantically pressed.

In an instant, he had activated the ship's steering power. The joystick came out of its housing and appeared in front of Cat.

"Yeah, here we go," he said with a grin. "Where do we go?"

"Computing data now, sir," Kryten said, typing out the logistics.

_Blue Midget _finally gained some sort of control, and it straightened out and headed for Asteroid 3-30288/D.

* * *

The lift door slid open, and the GELFs led Kochanski through the side of the mountain. They marched single file along the ridge, and it was there that Kochanski saw something that made her eyes widened.

"Smeg…," she breathed. "What is that?"

The GELFs followed her finger down into the ridge below, and there they saw the chasm. Within this chasm was a crackling, swirling, whirling, hazardous, dangerous, blue vortex that was giving the mountain a sort of energy that made them all slightly uneasy.

"It is the goddess Apearlo," the High Priestess said, once again doing those silly hand motions as a sign of respect.

"_That _is your infamous goddess?" Kochanski asked, looking very confused. "You worship a swirly vortex?"

"No! Of course not! Apearlo lives beyond that! That is the link she keeps with our world. Beyond that vortex is the Great Unknown. 'Tis what we all shall find out one day. And it is where you are to go."

"What?"

"You are to walk into the link, where Apearlo shall either accept or reject you."

"I'm supposed to jump in that?"

"Yes."

"In an hour?"

"Yes."

"In this outfit?"

"_Yes_."

"But… But something seems a bit wrong about that…"

* * *

_Blue Midget _came in contact with the asteroid's atmosphere and lowered itself for a landing. The long flamingo legs touched down on the ground, and unsteadily wobbled their way across the rocky terrain.

"I can see it!" Cat exclaimed, looking at his screen. "The epicenter is about two miles away from here!"

"We're rapidly running out of time, sirs," Kryten warned.

Rimmer struggled to keep his head upright. After all the time that had now passed, he was _really_ beginning to regret agreeing to this insane course of action. His arms and legs hurt, he was somehow short of breath, and he felt sweat dripping off his face.

Lister glared tightly at the navigation screen and then stared out the window.

"We're nearly there, Rimmer!" he shouted. "Just a little bit further!"

"Ungh…," Rimmer muttered, stomping along the platform.

Holly suddenly blipped onto the screen. "Chaps, we've got a visitor…_again_," she announced.

"Where?" Lister asked, checking his screen frantically.

_**WHUMP!**_

Everyone's heads jerked up and stared at Scroop, who glared back at them triumphantly through his contorted figure.

"_There he is_…," the Cat whimpered, pointing with his quivering finger.

"Now, my friends…," Scroop growled, "…it is time for your journey to come to an end. I shall give you two options: you may turn back and be spared, or you may attempt to pass me and _die_."

Lister exchanged a very nervous glance with the Cat and looked up at Rimmer.

"Rimmer, man," he said through his shaking vocal cords, "you know I don't ask much of you…"

Rimmer savaged him with a glare that said differently.

"…but," he continued, "I really, really, _really_ need to rescue Kochanski. I _need _her. Please, man, you've gotta go for it."

Rimmer stared at him through the helmet's visor for a solid three seconds before he finally found what he wanted to say.

"Oh shut up."

Lister felt his heart clench into a lead fist as he tried to comprehend that statement. He ran out of time, however, when Rimmer then flicked on the communications channel.

"Mr Scroop," Rimmer said, his voice reverberating around the planet's surface. "This is acting Senior Officer Arnold J Rimmer of the JMC Transport Vehicle, _Blue Midget_. Now hear this, because it's only coming once."

Lister, Cat and Kryten all looked away with embarrassment, knowing what was coming and dreading it.

"If you don't let me pass you, I'll be forced to go _through you_!"

Three heads swiveled round so suddenly they nearly got whiplash.

Lister had long ago lost track of how many times Rimmer has stunned him.

He had stunned him into anger several times: stealing his body, happily destroying several wax droids, always willing to let the others die if it seemed to suit his needs, deserting them on the simulant ship… The list was always growing longer.

Then, of course, he had also stunned him into…well, for lack of an appropriate word for positive, stunned. Ditching life on the _SSS Enlightenment _because he'd fallen in love, standing up to his own corrupted future self, destroying the Time Drive, agreeing to become Ace, _coming back _from being Ace…

Honestly, what was up with this guy?

Scroop's body creaked and moaned as he leaned forward to glare at them. "Mr Rimmer, there is no matter of danger in this matter, only inevitable destruction. Ms Kochanski shall perish, and there is not a thing you can do to stop it."

Rimmer was tired. He was cranky. He was hot, he was sweaty, he was angry, he was upset, he was frustrated, he was determined, and these boots were beginning to chafe. All these conflicting feelings and emotions had been building up deep inside him ever since he slipped into these piloting tools, and when coupled with his pre-existing anger, he could feel something deep inside finally snap.

For the briefest of moments, just like when he'd rescued Kryten during the meteor storm, he could see the world darken, as though looking through a pair of sunglasses, and he could see thin whisps of blonde hair dangle in his field of vision. He blinked furiously to rid these images and focused on the task ahead.

Still racked with exhaustion from his recent exertions, he managed to summon up all his strength and give a reply.

"_Over…my…dead…body!_"

"Then have at you!"

Lister, Cat and Kryten gripped their consoles frantically as they found _Blue Midget _suddenly charging at Scroop.

Scroop revved his engines and powered forward, his caterpillar treads kicking up dirt and dust.

They were heading towards each other at an alarming rate.

_CRASH!_

_Blue Midget _was suddenly being carried backwards across the chasm by Scroop, who clutched the little blue craft in his claws.

But Rimmer managed to do something about it. Filled with anger, he slammed his right foot down on the floor, sticking his heel out.

_Blue Midget _followed the movement and put its right landing leg down into Scroop's caterpillar tread. The metal tread snapped and was flung off the wheels, flipping around in the air like a fish out of water.

Scroop shuddered to a halt, losing his grip on _Blue Midget_.

The little blue ship fell on its back with a loud crash.

Rimmer shook his head and managed to stand up.

As _Blue Midget _staggered upright again, Scroop attempted to compensate for his lack of motion by extending his claws outwards towards them, reaching for the ship's gearbox.

But Rimmer swung the ship's left arm outwards and smacked the claws out of position, ripping them from their sockets.

Scroop shrieked.

Rimmer slammed his fist down on the communications channel button again and spoke into the microphone.

"I'm only saying this once…," he said calmly. "_GET OUT'VE MY WAY!_"

And when Scroop naturally failed to budge, Rimmer suddenly began to attack him. He threw a severe karate chop down into his main CPU, nearly slicing it in two. Then he threw a punch that knocked the Simulant backwards several yards. Then he jump-kicked him up like a football.

Finally, with all the grace of a ballet dancer, he swung around on his left toes, bringing his right leg up.

_Blue Midget _followed this motion and its right landing leg connected with Scroop's side, sending the beaten Simulant spinning away like a child's top.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH_!!" Scroop screamed.

Finally, he spun towards the ledge and toppled over, spilling off the ground and into the chasm below, howling in fury as he vanished into the dark pit.

Lister watched him fall, and then turned around to face Rimmer.

Rimmer was panting heavily from his recent struggle, but he finally saw his crewmates' faces looking back at him, full of astonishment and admiration. It made him feel uncomfortable, so he cleared his throat and tried to calm down.

"Right, let's go find Kochanski," he said shakily.

And _Blue Midget _stomped along its beaten path towards the encircling ridge.


	12. Cat

Kochanski stood over chasm with growing dread. She could hear the GELFs shouting at her, mocking her, jeering at her, getting drunk on moonshine, vomiting on each other and laughing heartily.

It reminded her of a football game.

"_And now, Children of Apearlo, we present to you_…_our sacrifice_!"

A mixture of cheering and booing came from the crowd.

Kochanski rolled her eyes and gave them a two-fingered salute, causing several younger and drunker GELFs to start laughing hysterically.

"You must now go to the ledge," the High Priestess said. "What can I say, my child? It's been fun! See you on the other side."

"What makes you think I'm just going to walk to the ledge?" Kochanski demanded angrily.

Suddenly, several spears were poised at her throat.

"You've just got an answer for everything, don't you?" she grumbled.

"Indeed."

Feeling another spear gently poke her in the back, she slowly made her way to the ledge.

* * *

_Blue Midget _hurried loudly, stomping across the terrain like a lumbering…well, thing that lumbers around loudly.

"Hurry, Rimmer!" Lister shouted.

"Shut up! Shut up! I'm trying!" Rimmer shouted back.

"Cat, how's it looking, man?"

Cat tried to follow what was happening on his screen.

"Looks good, buds! We've got a clear path from here to the epicenter!"

But outside, there sat a huge boulder which, from a distance, would've looked like a regular rock when compared with _Blue Midget's _size. Rimmer didn't know it was there from the angle on the screen, so he ended up walking straight into it. The right landing leg jammed against the boulder, causing the ship to lose balance.

Inside the cockpit, everyone suddenly had to hang on as the landing legs cracked and creaked, falling like giant trees and the blue shuttlecraft fell to the ground, fortunately right-side-up.

When the Cat looked up, he saw Lister, Rimmer and Kryten glaring at him angrily.

"Okay, except for that rock," he said feebly.

Deciding to put off the introduction between the Cat's head and the fire axe, Lister leapt from his seat and headed for the door, kicking it open and riding the embarkation ramp downwards, jumping onto the ground before it made it the whole way. He tore forward like some war movie nut towards the mountain.

"I'M COMIN', KRISSIE!" he shrieked.

Cat and Kryten managed to stumble out of the cockpit as well and headed down the ramp.

Rimmer tried to remove the helmet, but found that the strap was stuck. Still frustrated and not up for just standing around, he managed to wrench the helmet free from its cords and just ran out after them, wearing the gloves and boots as well. He stumbled down the embarkation ramp and hurried after them.

Lister was very far ahead of them, almost there now.

"I'M COMIN'! I _COMIN_'!" he shouted.

"Sir, please wait for us!"

"We'll get there when we get there, bud! Relax!"

But Lister wouldn't and couldn't relax. Not until he knew she was safe.

Naturally, Lister wasn't meant for running. It just wasn't his kind of thing. He was a smoker. He drank like a fish. And yet here he was running faster than Colin Mochrie on 'Free Liquor Day' in Toronto.

Love makes you do crazy things.

Lister found the stairs and started the long ascent towards the top.

"DON'T WORRY, KRISSIE, I'M COMIN'!"

* * *

The vortex below swirled and rippled crackling with energy.

With the spear almost to her back completely, Kochanski quivered apprehensively as she came closer and closer to the ledge.

The chanting and jeering was growing louder and more emotional.

"_And now_…," said the announcer, "…_the Great Goddess Apearlo shall either accept or reject the sacrifice._"

"Send her in!" ordered the High Priestess.

Kochanski squirmed slightly as she felt the spear gently prodded her back. She teetered nervously on the top of the platform.

But just as she was about to fall, they heard a noise at the gate.

To be more specific, it was the sound of the gate opening.

All heads swiveled to reveal a very exhausted Lister standing in the entrance. He was bent over, hands on knees, trying to regain whatever oxygen his lungs would accept. He attempted to speak through his gasps.

"You…you…YOU LET HER GO YOU…you…BASTARDS……smeg…think I burst something…"

Kochanski stared at him with the utmost disbelief.

"…Dave?" she gasped.

Lister couldn't hear her from across the giant arena, but he saw her and waved pathetically while he tried to get his strength back.

Just then, Cat and Kryten came up behind him.

And then Rimmer appeared wearing a helmet, gloves and boots, making him look a bit like RoboCop's weird cousin from Yonkers.

"Hi, Officer BB!" the Cat shouted from across the gorge, waving cheerfully.

She gave a pity wave in return.

But the GELFs had by now snapped out of their shock and were now murmuring amongst themselves.

The High Priestess stormed forward. "How dare you interrupt the sacrifice!" he shouted. "The goddess Apearlo will _not_ be pleased with this."

"Sacrifice?" the Cat repeated.

"To our goddess, who lives in the Swirling Pool of Light!" he said, indicating the vortex that swirled and swelled in the chasm behind them.

The _Dwarfers _finally registered that there was indeed something in the chasm and they took a look at it.

"Kryts, what is it, man?" Lister asked, finally able to stand up straight again.

Kryten took out the Psi-Scan and waited.

"Hmmm, according to the Psi-Scan, sir, it's a concentrated electromagnetic space whirlpool."

"Whirlpool?"

"Yes, sir, it is named for the fact that a common _water _whirlpool can catch you in its grasp and take you into its depths and into oblivion. The same thing happens in a space whirlpool."

"So if Kochanski jumps down it, she'll die?" Rimmer asked.

"Well, not quite, sir. First, she'll be electrocuted, then she'll choke from lack of oxygen, then she'll burst like a balloon in the vacuum, and _then _she'll die."

"So there's no goddess down there?" Lister asked.

"Not likely, sir, no."

"BLASPHEMY!" the High Priestess bellowed. "You _dare _to challenge the existence of Apearlo?!"

Lister shuffled uncomfortably. "Well… Have you actually _seen _Apearlo?"

"Oh, not _this _again! No mortal may gaze upon the visage of a _goddess_!"

"Then have you actually _heard _from her?"

"She communicates through our hearts!"

"Has she ever set a bush on fire and tried to talk to you that way?"

"Heathens! You shall pay for your mockery!"

"Look, let's just sit down, have a cuppa, and talk this out, man to monster, 'kay? We've come to rescue _her_. We just transversed half the galaxy looking for _her_ so we can take _her_ home. _She's_ important to _us_. _She's_ important to _me_. And _I'm_ telling _you_ right now that if _you_ don't let _her_ go, there's gonna be _trouble_."

"Oh will there?"

"Yes."

"Will there?" Rimmer asked worriedly, scoping out the large crowd of GELFs surrounding them.

"Yeah, bud, we really need to think this one through a little more," Cat agreed.

"I'm not kidding around, man. You're about to fry the girl of my dreams just because you're all trying to convince yourselves that you're doing something noble, when in fact you're doing something beyond smeggy."

"This is a tradition handed down from our ancestors!" the High Priestess insisted.

"Pfft, yeah, I'll bet," Lister sneered. "Look, all your ancestors wanted was a reason to be crappy to humans. They wanted to put the 'lesser-species' in their place. So what do they do? They create a religion where the number one thing to do to show love and peace is to _kill_ someone. Don't you see the irony?"

"You know nothing of the Old Times!"

Lister grumbled to himself. "I don't have time for this. Find some other sucker to jump down your swirly thing! We're taking the woman with us!"

If she wasn't terrified out of her mind, Kochanski would've been touched.

"Just _try_ and touch her," the High Priestess growled. "Guards!"

Two able-bodied GELFs were suddenly standing over Lister with their razor-sharp spears.

Six more were suddenly aiming spears dangerously at Rimmer, Cat and Kryten.

"Thanks, buds, but I shave electric," Cat said nervously.

But then the Cat saw something that to this day he felt was his "Luckiest Find in the Whole of Forever."

Each GELF had a rad pistol in their utility belt. The one closest to him had the pistol within arms reach.

With his instincts suddenly at the helm of his bodily functions, Cat suddenly sprang up off of the ground and flipped through the air, dong a double-backwards-somersault and landing neatly on his feet again, causing all the guards to stumble backwards in surprise. With his particular guard unprepared, his arm shot out and grabbed the pistol from his belt and soon had it poised straight into the air.

"Don't move! I've got a pistol full of radiation and I barely know how to use it!"

"Oh dear god…," Rimmer mumbled, "I'm _so_ glad I'm wearing a helmet."

The GELFs all began to back down a little bit.

"What are you all doing?! You've got guns too!" the High Priestess shouted exasperatedly.

Embarrassed, the guards began to cock their guns.

But Cat was still looking around for that one trump card he needed. He saw it in the form of the swirling vortex just a few feet in front of him. Letting out a primal growl, Cat once again leapt into the air, this time flipping forwards, sending himself over and out of the encircling of GELFs and landing neatly on his feet just outside of the ridge. He aimed the pistol downwards into the swirling and crackling vortex.

"One wrong move and Apearlo gets it!" he shouted.

There was a collective gasp and much murmuring amongst the GELFs in the stadium.

Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Kochanski were _very _impressed.

"Smeggin' amazing…," Lister breathed.

"Now let her go," Cat growled.

The High Priestess looked torn. She looked all around the crowd of nervous GELFs. None of them were sure what would happen if Apearlo was struck by radiation. Those pistols were supposed to be their most powerful.

Finally, she decided to look confident.

"The goddess Apearlo could withstand _any _form of attack!"

The Cat quirked an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Positive."

"Let's see, shall we?"

And the Cat fired a volley of radiation into the whirlpool. The blast of green hit the electric field and began to blend with it. It wasn't long before the whirlpool suddenly began to make a loud crackling noise that resembled several bags of potato chips being stepped on.

Kryten's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, _smeeeee_…," he mumbled.

The whirlpool spun and swirled and bulged faster and faster, causing a small windstorm to pick around everyone.

The High Priestess stared at the pool in amazement. "Oh, Goddess Apearlo!" she wailed, throwing her arms above her head. "I see the humanoid has angered you!"

"I imagine she had it coming if she's been after you to kill humanoids in the first place," Cat growled.

"Smite them, mighty Apearlo! Strike down on the humanoids!"

Suddenly, the vortex spouted into the air like a geyser, sending flailing bits of electricity in the air. A stray one rounded towards the High Priestess, who let out a surprised shriek and turned and ran from it.

"No! Apearlo! I am your servant! I spread your good name! I even had T-Shirts made!"

But apparently Apearlo remained unimpressed, and like any goddess who's a little tired of her servant, she fired her.

The High Priestess was consumed by the electricity.

The crowds began to dissolve into chaos and panic.

Lister stared for a few moments at the giant column of electricity that was reaching higher into the air before he snapped out of his reverie. He turned and charged up the ridge towards Kochanski, who, thanks to the chaos, was unguarded.

"KRISS! OVER HERE!" he shouted.

Kochanski turned slightly and saw Lister running towards her. She felt so many emotions conflict over her entire mind that she didn't know where to start speaking. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to cry. She wanted to set that damn T-Shirt stall on fire.

But she couldn't find a way to make that clear, so instead, she ran into his arms and hugged him tightly, never wanting to let go.

"_Dave_…," she said.

There was a pause as they stood there, holding onto each other.

"…You smell like diesel fuel."

"I know. It's been a long week."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_And thus, they are reunited. But they still have to get their boney butts out of there._

_Read (if you didn't cheat and skip to the end) and Review._


	13. Escape

"Sir! Ma'am! Look!" Kryten yelled, pointing at the sky.

Just when all had seemed lost, a familiar green craft came flying in low for a landing. _Starbug _touched down on the ground a few feet from the chasm.

Lister was sufficiently gobsmacked. "How did…? Who…?"

There was a whistle from his wrist, and he brought it up to see Holly grinning slyly at him from the watch. "We had some confederates," she said.

Lister was confused, but ignored it as he saw the embarkation ramp slither downwards towards them. He and Kochanski scampered up the ramp, followed by Kryten, Cat and Rimmer.

They passed through the bulkhead doors, ran through Mid-Ships and bounded up the steps into the cockpit. They were surprised to find four skutters sitting in their chairs.

"Bob? Madge?"

The two skutters at the helm nodded enthusiastically as they climbed down and motored away.

Lister and Cat thudded down into their large pilot's chairs. Kryten slid into his station at the logistics.

But a problem arose when Rimmer and Kochanski looked at the one seat left over. They stared at each other, both being too polite to just go ahead and take it.

"Oh, erm…," Rimmer said, faltering slightly. "Erm… Would you like it?"

Kochanski shook her head. "No, no, no. You go ahead. Age before beauty."

"Oh, thank you. I'll just… Hey!"

"Sit, Rimmer!" Lister yelled from his seat, busily priming the ship.

Giving the smiling Kochanski a glare to freeze a sidewalk, Rimmer managed to remove the gloves and sit down.

"Why are you wearing all of that stuff?" she asked.

"Long story," Rimmer replied, trying to look through the helmet's visor before giving up. "Take hold of it, will you? Holly? Soft-light, please."

Kochanski looked confused, but she grabbed onto the helmet anyway.

Rimmer's uniform faded to red, and the helmet strap came loose, dangling effectively inside his chin. She pulled it away and stared at the telltale H on his forehead in shock.

"Rimmer! Oh my god, what happened to you?!" she cried.

Rimmer looked confused as his uniform turned blue again and he began to type in commands to the Navicomp. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you just look…"

"Mmm! _Mmm_!" Lister grunted, indicating that Kochanski had to shut up now.

Kochanski faltered. "Erm…older. You look older than you did."

Rimmer snorted. "All because Kryten forgot to tell me about Holo-Services," he muttered.

Kochanski glanced at Kryten, who looked like he was hiding something. In fact, so did Lister and Cat and Holly.

"Longer story, ma'am," Kryten said sheepishly.

"Engaging reheat," Cat said, flipping a switch.

"Back to the Dwarf," Lister agreed.

_Starbug_'s engines turned over, and soon the small green craft was taking to the skies away from the GELFs.

* * *

GELF Securities were watching the craft leave in a stupor.

"We can't just let them get away with this!" one of them yelled.

"Indeed. They are humans. They have no right to cancel such a ceremony!" another agreed.

"Especially since we sold so many T-Shirts and snow globes. People are gonna want their money back!"

"Get the Battle Cruiser out! We're heading after them!"

* * *

_Starbug _jetted away from the asteroid cluster as fast as it could putter.

The crew were working feverishly when Holly appeared on the screen.

"Hang about, chaps! The GELFs are back and they're _pissed_."

Cat stared at the GELF Ship on their screen. "Whoa. These dudes painted their ship _black_!"

"So?" Lister asked.

"Bud, _space itself_ is black. If these dudes painted their shipsto match, you know they mean _business_!"

"What do we do?" Rimmer asked.

"Hang on!"

Before they could ask what he meant, Lister twisted the joystick to the right, and _Starbug _banked hard to the side.

Cat gripped his own pilot control, and Rimmer's chair slid away from his seat and he crashed into Kryten.

"Oh goodness!" Kryten cried.

The Cruiser followed in suit.

Lister swerved _Starbug _to the other side, and Rimmer and Kryten crashed into Rimmer's station.

"Sunday Driver!" Rimmer yelled in Lister's direction.

_Starbug _was soon swerving all over the place.

Rimmer and Kryten gripped their consoles and tried to work.

"This dude's still with us," Lister said, staring at his screens.

Cat looked around the screens frantically. "Anything around here?"

"There's a meteor passing just below us," Kryten said, checking his screens.

"Okay, I've got another idea!" Lister said.

"What's that?"

"Hold on!"

Lister suddenly wrenched his joystick to the right again.

_Starbug _went into a crazy downward spiral, heading straight for the passing meteor.

Kryten, Rimmer and Kochanski were pressed up against the wall, holding onto each other. Cat was tightly gripping his own joystick, hoping not to fly out of his seat.

Then just as they were about to crash into the meteor, Lister straightened the stick out, and they blazed past it.

With everything now straightened out, Lister checked around. "Everyone okay?" he asked.

Kochanski and Cat glared at him.

Rimmer and Kryten got up off the floor, their heads vibrating as their respective operating systems fought to restore normal transmission.

The Battle Cruiser was heading straight for the meteor. But instead of hitting it, it fired a laser cannon at it, blowing it up into harmless debris before it continued after them.

Lister stared at his screens in annoyance. "Well, that's just cheating," he complained.

_Starbug _banked over to the side and headed in a different direction, this time heading back into the asteroid belt.

The GELFs followed and began to close in.

In the back, Rimmer and Kryten exchanged electronic wills.

Lister and Cat worked feverishly, trying to keep the ship level.

Kochanski stood between their chairs, scoping out the space ahead of them. She saw the asteroid ahead of them.

"Wait… This all looks familiar…"

"Ma'am?"

"Remember when we first met? We were attacked by GELFs then as well."

"Yeah, so?"

"Remember how we outsmarted them before?"

The _Dwarfers _all looked at each other.

Smiling, Kochanski walked over towards Rimmer's console and pressed a couple of buttons.

"What _are _you doing?"

"Rimmer, do you know what an S-S Line is?"

"Er… Sort of."

"Give it a try."

Rimmer looked at the buttons on his console. Then he saw one that was labeled "S-S". His head dipped in triumph as he pressed it. His screen changed.

"Okay, Quadrant Six-Niner-Five," he read out loud. "Moving across to Quadrant Two to Q Four-One stroke Six."

"Right, very good," Kochanski said, pressing another button for him. "Just follow the co-ords."

"_Coordinates_! I totally knew that!" Cat yelled happily.

Kochanski couldn't help but smirk.

* * *

_Starbug _was soon flying low over a rocky terrain on Asteroid 3-30288/D.

Rimmer's eyes flitted across the streams of data on his screen. "Twenty degrees starboard from this next mound," he announced.

Lister and Cat carefully adjusted their course.

"They're right on our tails," Holly reminded them.

"Okay, Dave, Cat, keep holding this line," Kochanski said. "Keep holding… Keep _holding_…"

_Starbug _declined closer and closer towards the rough surface of the planet.

"_Keep holding_… Lift now!"

Cat and Lister yanked the dual control yoke backwards, and _Starbug_'s snub nose lifted itself and the rest of the ship upwards and clear of the rocks they were heading for. The GELF ship, with its extra bulk and lack of maneuverability, crashed headlong into the valley floor, exploding in flames.

The ball of flame came up under _Starbug_, but Lister and Cat managed to flip the ship over a few times and head for safety.

"_Yeeeeeeeee_eeeees!" Lister crowed.

"Oh my, sirs, ma'am," Kryten gasped, getting up from his seat dizzily. "That was more fun than I ever want to have again."

Kochanski chuckled. "Admittedly not one of our gossamer maneuvers, but it's gotten the job done."

"Rimmer, you alright man?"

Rimmer staggered upright again. "Quite alright, Listy. Now if you'll pardon me, I'm going down to the cargo bay to paint a Jackson Pollock all over the floor. Excuse me." And he strode away shakily.

"Cat, hit the reheat, man."

Cat complied, flipping the switch.

"Course is set to _Red Dwarf_," Holly announced. "I've drawn a big line on the star chart and everything."

"Cheers, Hol."

And _Starbug _tore back the way it came.

**

* * *

Author's Notes: **_Oh, don't worry. It's not over... It's FAR...from ove-ah! _

_After all, Kochanski's still got to find out how Rimmer became a hologram... ;)_


	14. Kochanski

Everything that happened after that seemed to happen in slow-motion.

_Starbug _flew through the cargo bay doors and landed on the pad. They disembarked from the ship. They made the long trek back to the main deck where they tended to hang out mostly. They'd rode the shuttle bus, the ship metro, had a conversation with Holly before she went back to her duties, they'd rode the Xpress Lift up to the appropriate floor, and they'd gone their separate ways as they headed for their appropriate quarters.

Lister said he was going back to his quarters to get something. She had nodded in acceptance as she headed for her own quarters. She watched him and Rimmer walk off together towards the double doors at the end of the corridor. So they were still bunking together? Something she had accepted long ago that she would never understand.

Kochanski slowly wandered down the corridor to her own smaller quarters. She remembered that day she had first picked it out. After the party they'd thrown after taking _Red Dwarf _back from the resurrected crew, she'd picked this one out specially.

Mainly because it was the first one she saw when she drunkenly staggered in and collapsed on the bed.

She walked through the opening double doors and took in the place and was surprised by how well-kept it was. Obviously whatever possessions she had taken when she left were gone forever, but everything else was exactly as she'd left it. Silk bed sheets, a few framed photos, and even her old plastic plant was still in it's place without a speck of dust on it.

She sat on her bed and took in the place. She couldn't help but glance at a framed photo to her right on the nightstand. It was a picture of her and the others. It was taken shortly after their reclaiming of the ship. Lister had insisted that they all get together in the corridor and have a picture taken to commemorate their new start. They weren't drunk in the vertical sense yet, so they were all able to agree and take the photo with some degree of ease.

Cat was on the far left, giving what he considered to be a cool grin. Kryten was next to him, grinning his plastic grin. She was in the middle, standing proudly. Lister was grinning his chipmunk grin and had an arm around her waist, and next to him was Rimmer, who was for once smiling a full-on smile, and he and Lister had arms around each other like brothers.

In that one moment that Holly had managed to record on film, the five of them were without inhibitions or tension. They were all friends. Slightly inebriated friends, granted, but friends nonetheless.

Then, of course, things got back to normal.

Well, sort of.

Lister went back to slobbing around, winding Rimmer up and being their unspoken leader. Rimmer went back to studying his Astro-Navigation for some ungodly reason. Kryten continued to iron clothes and cluck like a hen. Cat continued to find ways to make himself look pretty sort of marvelous. Holly was back at the helm steering the ship and making everyone roll their eyes.

But things couldn't really go back to normal for her. She couldn't find a purpose.

The others had fallen back into their old habits and lifestyles easily.

Even Rimmer, who technically hadn't even been a part of the crew before her time, was able to keep going rather easily.

But she'd just sort of wandered around, waiting for the next adventure to start. And although they had a few here and there, eventually the boredom of it all got to be too much. She had to escape.

And she had.

And look where it led her.

She was just reflecting all of this when the doors hissed open, and in stepped Kryten carrying a laundry basket full of her clothes.

"Ah, Miss Kochanski, ma'am!" he said cheerfully. "I've just brought your clothes up from the laundry room. They're all nice and clean!"

Kochanski smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Krytie, it'll be nice to get out of these robes."

"What would you like me to do with them, ma'am?"

Kochanski paused and looked at herself in the mirror. The gowns were a symbol to her now. They showed her what would happen if she lost faith in Dave Lister again.

Dave Lister.

The man who'd followed her into Hell just to get her back.

"Hang them up in the closet, Kryten. I'll leave them there for now."

"Yes, ma'am."

Kryten set about putting her clean laundry away while Kochanski set about getting out of the robes. She was slow and quiet as she went about it. Kryten noticed she was rather sluggish and fished through his database to find a solution to her problem. It came to him rather quickly.

"Would you like me to run a bath for you, ma'am?"

"Yes, please, Kryten."

Kryten abandoned the clothes and headed for the washroom in Kochanski's quarters. But she stopped him before he got all the way there.

"Kryten?"

"Yes, ma'am?" he asked, turning to face her.

He was reasonably surprised when she embraced the mech in a huge hug.

"God, I've missed you all," she said, starting to weep.

Kryten wasn't very good with crying women, but he ignored the corrupted file to administer the Heimlich and set about gently rubbing her back in response.

* * *

Kochanski completed her bath about three hours later, once the water had become unbearably cold and the suds were all gone. She slowly clambered out and wrapped a towel around herself and headed back into her quarters, exhausted by the day's events.

No, not the day's events.

The past _year's _events.

The past _three year's _events.

Finally, that unspeakable chapter of her life was over.

She found that Kryten had finished his duties and had departed, leaving a dressing gown waiting for her on the bed. Smiling lightly, she went over and slipped into it, tying it tightly around her waist.

She tried to think about what she should do next. Sleep came to mind.

Tomorrow, she would talk with the others. They'd figure out what to do next. Then she'd eat. She'd eat like never before. After those pathetic rations on the _Legacy_, she was looking forward to eating until her pants busted.

Then she'd just go with the flow and figure things out as she went.

Just like them.

She was one of them.

And for the first time, it made her smile.

She heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," she called.

The doors slid open and Lister stood in the entryway.

Of course. He _would _do this.

Not that this was a bad thing.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey."

Lister paused for a minute. He looked like he had no clue what he was doing. Then he seemed draw inspiration from something and entered completely, his hands behind his back.

"I thought I'd bring you something," he said.

"What's that?"

Lister brought his arms forward and held out a stuffed animal.

Kochanski's face lit up. "Boo-Boo!" she cried, snatching the bear away and hugging him tightly.

Lister grinned. "So, what? You're hurtling towards forty and getting all gushy over the bear, eh?"

She smiled sheepishly and held the bear around her waist. "Thank you. I've missed him."

"Yeah… I think he missed you too."

There was a silence.

But not an awkward or uncomfortable silence.

Just a silence.

"So…," she said, deciding it was time for answers, "…what happened to Rimmer?"

Lister stared at her, as if not understanding.

"He's a hologram."

Then he stared at her with some remorse. "It's not the same Rimmer," he said sadly.

Kochanski felt dread setting up camp in her stomach. _Oh god, something terrible happened. I wasn't here for them. Oh dear god…_

"What happened to the Rimmer I knew?"

Lister shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't had to explain this to anyone since he explained it to Cat and Kryten.

"It's a very long story…," he said slowly, mentally preparing himself for what was probably both the best and worst day of his life…

* * *

Kochanski held onto Lister's every word, totally enraptured by the very sad story. She felt herself close to tears by the time it was over.

"We've settled quite nicely now, though. Everything's finally back to normal around here."

She couldn't help but smile, knowing he was addressing her.

"Dave, I'm sorry."

"I understand why you left," Lister assured her. "I've already worked it out."

"You did?"

"I was a mess. I was falling apart. I was drinking, being daft…"

"…I couldn't stand to watch you die…," she filled in.

"And I wouldn't listen… So you took _Blue Midget _and legged it."

Kochanski nodded, shame-faced.

"Krissie, I'm sorry for all that. But it's different now. We've had a few adventures since you've been away. I've been waken up. I'm not dead anymore! I'm sure there's plenty more adventures coming! We've still got over two million years worth of space to burn through before we get back to Earth…for real, this time."

"I'm sorry too, Dave…," she said quietly.

"You've got no need to be sorry. I should've paid more attention to you."

"No, I'm sorry for more than this."

He looked confused, so she elaborated.

"When I first arrived in this dimension, I was horrible. I bitched, I sniped, I screamed, a beat Kryten over the head with a wrench, I threw steak knives into the walls…"

"It was only the first week. You were acclimatizing."

"But I wasn't letting myself. I did everything I could to not stand this place, and believe me, Kryten helped a bit."

Lister couldn't help but smirk.

"But then things got better. Ironically, being in the Tank helped. I got to know you all. I started to feel comfortable. I just wished I'd let myself feel that from the start."

"It's not your fault. It's my fault you're stuck here."

"No, Dave, it isn't. It was nobody's fault. It was just dumb luck. But I was angry, so I took it out on you guys. I'm surprised you didn't throw me out of an airlock. I was just so angry about being taken from my perfect life. My perfect fairytale life…"

Something about the way she said that made Lister frown.

"But this place… It's so incredibly imperfect! Everything's so inadequate! Nothing ever goes right around here! And yet…I love how real this place is… It's just so much more real… And that's what I needed most of all: to wake up from the dream and find reality."

Lister smiled. He was _so glad _he'd woken up.

"So…," he said quietly. "The question is…where do we go from here?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Yeah, that's a nice even place to leave it, eh? ;)_

_Yeah, no worries. One more chapter to go. That question will be answered before this story is through._

_I hope this was remotely good. I'm a comedy man. I don't really do this emotional stuff all that well. Hope it didn't suck more than a Dyson 4000._


	15. Lister

Rimmer moseyed down the corridor towards the Sleeping Quarters. After a long day of being brave, he decided it would be best to head to bed straight away. He was pleased their excursion had not been for nothing and was looking forward to getting back on schedule first thing in the morning.

He strolled along the corridor, passing a vid screen on the way, where Holly appeared. "Heading to bed, Arnold?" she asked.

"Yes, Holly, after today's excursions, and my own _exertions_, I'm just going to hit the springs and snooze for twelve hours," Rimmer replied.

Holly smiled. "Well, you've certainly earned it. You were very brave today, you know. I had no idea you could move like that."

Rimmer faltered at the compliment. "Yeah… Neither did I…," he said unsurely.

"I'm really proud of you, Arnie."

"…Thank you, Holly…," he said, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Well, I'll leave you to it. G'night."

"Yes, goodnight, Holly."

Holly blinked off the screen

Feeling _very _perplexed, Rimmer decided to ignore it for now and scurried off down the corridor towards the doors just ahead. He jammed his hand into the door lock and found the room to be very dark.

"Lights," he said.

The room lit up, and he saw Lister was snuggled up in his bunk under a blanket, blinking through the new light in the room.

"You going to bed as well, Lister?" he asked, strolling into the room.

"Er, yeah, man, I am… You too?"

"That was the plan, yes."

"Oh…"

Rimmer walked across towards the table and started to put some books away, but he noticed the tone in Lister's voice.

"Anything the matter?"

"Not really… I just… After everything that's happened…"

Rimmer nodded. "You just need some time to yourself?"

"…Sort of, yeah. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all," Rimmer replied, deciding to be understanding for once. "If you need some privacy, I'll leave you to it."

"Cheers, man."

Rimmer started to leave the room, but he stopped at the hatchway when he realized something.

"Oh, hold on, just let me grab something," he said, walking over towards his bunk to grab a book he'd left discarded there some time ago.

While he was getting it, a foot fell out from under Lister's blanket and drooped down over him.

He reversed his way out from the bunk and started to say, "Okay, I'll just…," but he stopped when he saw the foot. He stared at it for a few moments before he spoke again. "Lister?"

"Yeah?"

"There's a foot hanging out of your blanket."

"…Yeah, so there is."

"…I can't help but notice something."

"What's that?"

"Your Athlete's Foot seems to have finally gone away, and your god-awful foot odor is gone."

"Yeah…"

"And, if I'm not mistaken, you're wearing nail polish…"

"Erm…"

Experimentally, Rimmer extended an exploratory finger and gently grazed the bottom of the foot in question with his fingernail. The foot suddenly leapt upwards, and from under the blanket, a small stifled giggle escaped.

Rimmer shook his head.

"Right, I'll just go find somewhere else to sleep then," he decided.

"Yeah, thanks…," Lister sighed.

Rimmer headed for the doors.

"Lights!" he ordered, and the room dimmed once more. "G'night, Listy."

"Good night, Rimmer!" a chorused reply yelled.

Rimmer rolled his eyes at the giggles from the darkness and trekked for the lift. He figured he'd want to sleep on a different floor entirely tonight.

**THE END**

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_And so, here we are at the end of a few months that I'll never get back. The grand finale in which everything is set and laid out. I seem to recall in my earlier drafts that I almost didn't go with this ending. But I'm very satisfied, so I'm glad I did._

_Thanks to all who have read and even more thanks to those who reviewed. Thanks for seeing this story through to the end._

_Stay tuned for more Red Dwarf fics from me, including a Christmas-themed one-shot, and the next feature length story, _Animal I Have Become. _;)_


End file.
